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"SNIPER TARGET" First Draft Written and Directed By: The Goose OPEN UP ON: A huge mansion, the grounds are giant, plants and other such things litter the ground. Outside two armed men patrol the gates. In the gardens we can see two Alsatians. A Blue Corvette pulls up, the hood is pulled over as Rain SPLIT-SPLATS onto it. Armed man#1 taps on the window. And The driver rolls it down. He is Duke, a tall guy in a leather-jacket and with short dark hair. He is an on-leave M.P (Military-Policeman). ARMED MAN#1 Duke. What'choo here for? DUKE Matthews invited me, didn't you hear? ARMED MAN#2 He normally tells us when guests are coming. ARMED MAN#1 But we know you, so what the hell? DUKE (Quietly) Great security! Ha! He enters in a pin code and the big heavy gates SCREECH open. Duke gives them the thumbs up and swerves in to the garden. Two other guards restrain the Alsatians as they Bark and Growl at the Trendy Corvette. He parks in a big parking space and jumps out of the Corvette. Then he jogs up three large stone steps. Another Guard, Luke Derbyshire stops him. LUKE Brown? What're you doing here? DUKE For the 2nd time, Mr.Matthews invited me for Dinner. LUKE Duke, I dunno. He never said nothing about it, ah what the hell get in there. He ushers Duke in with his Pistol. MANSION The halls are huge and grand. William Matthews, the owner of this establishment is very rich. Duke wanders past tables, chairs and pot-plants until he reaches a GIANORMOUS staircase. Another armed Guard stops him. GUARD Hey, hey. Duke what're you doing round here? You were only here the uder' night. DUKE Matthews' has invited me for Dinner. GUARD What? He had Dinner half an hour ago. He said nuthin' about guests. He's in his room. I think I can trust ya so go in. Duke gives him the thumbs up and heads up the stairs. HALLWAY It is big and grand just like the Mansion itself. Duke appears and walks into another room. MATTHEWS' ROOM Duke enters, it is dark and kind of SPOOKY. His eyebrow goes up. He reaches for the light switch and clicks it on. Matthews lies under the covers in bed. DUKE Matthews? You okay? He touches Matthews' cheek, it is cold. After doing that he pulls up the covers, and Finds: Matthews a grey 60+ politician slumped in a crooked position. With multiple stab-wounds. He is very taken aback, then he sees a knife lying on the floor, he picks it up, and raises it high. So he can see what type it is, as the light isn't very good. DUKE Hunting Kn... Suddenly the door flies open and the Guard appears. GUARD Hey wha... Duke looks around, and drops the knife. He knows what it looks like. GUARD (Cont'd) You cold-blooded murderer! DUKE B-bu...I-- He turns and runs, -BLAM- the Guard fires a few rounds. But Duke scarpers to a window, and hoists it open. LEDGE He climbs onto a small concrete-Ledge. MATTHEWS' ROOM GUARD (Radio) Luke, Mac my gosh! It's awful. That guy, Duke has Alex "Dumb" Mitchelmoreed him...yeh...he stabbed him. He's try'na get away. LEDGE Duke slowly Shimmeys his way around the ledge. -BLAM-BLAM-BLAM-BLAM-BLAM- Bullets hit the windows and the wall behind him. He manages to get round the corner. But when he gets there: He wonders "What should I do now?". "What the hell's going on?". He scratches his forehead, as if to clear it. Then he proceeds forth with his jaunty shimmy. -BLAM-BLAM-BLAM-BLAM. Bullets tear up the wall behind. Finally he has a thought, he jumps, in a move of suicide. But at the last moment he grabs a tree-branch. LUKE He jumped! Damn him! But Duke swings upwards, as if he were on monkey-bars then he flips onto the bonnet of the Corvette. He unlocks it, and SLIPS inside. He jams the key in the ignition. And the Engine RUMBLES to life. He drives forward madly. Luke is the first to see him and he runs forward. LUKE Shut the gates! Shut the fricking gates, now! Just as the Corvette reaches the gates, they SLAM SHUT! But he only just manages to slide out the way. -BLAM-BLAM-BLAM- Bullets hit the door of the Corvette, and it CLANGS onto the pavement. The trigger-happy guards riddle the Corvette with bullets. There's no chance of escape, and it drivelessly CRASHES into the wall. Luke and the other guards cross towards it, suddenly a figure leaps out of the Semi-destroyed vehicle. The Guards are too surprised to fire, but Luke a tough but skinny guy fires instantly, Duke sees the Danger, and Hurls himself onto Luke. He falls into the hedging. Duke meanwhile tries to climb the wall. But the Dogs have been set on him. As Luke and the Guards fire, Duke kicks one of the dogs in the face, then his fingers try to find a groove in the wall. But he skids down and lands on his ass. Dog#2 is on him. He fights with the small beast. And somehow he manages to find a groove and just in time he manages to FLICK his legs on top of the wall, and roll off. BANG! He hits the floor outside. And when Luke and the Guards turn the corner, he has already disappeared into the hedge. LUKE Someone call the cops! Quick! Armed Man#1 takes out his Cell-phone, as he does this, we: CUT TO: PARK Duke sits down on a park-bench. And pants, he pants as hard as he can. Tears roll down his eyes. He has been framed! The thought dawns fully onto him, and he puts his hands in front of his face and bends down. As he begins to think about what he should do. The Guards, Luke and some Cops come round the corner. COP#1 Stick ya hands in the air, jackass! LUKE Murderin' dog! Duke slowly stands up and puts his hands in the air. The cops shove him face-first on the ground and they cuff him. DUKE I'm innocent, officers! COP#2 That's what they all say, but do we believe 'em? COPS Nah. CUT TO: CELL Two cruel and mean guards, Greg "knob" Macpherson and Paul "You starting?" Sturman kick Duke inside a small cell, he lands in a heap. Greg "Knob" MacPherson See ya later. DUKE BUT I'M INNOCENT, DAMN YOU! Paul "You starting?" Sturman Tell it to the Judge! DUKE Judge! Greg "knob" Macpherson You a murderer, remember? They exit. Duke pulls himself up and flexes his muscles. He then looks at the small Cell. It has a green-chair and a small desk. He slumps onto the chair. And puts his feet up on the desk. We can hear some guy shouting: VOICE (V.O) SOMEONE PLEASE LET ME OUT! I'M INNOCENT! INNOCENT! INNOCENT! I TELL YOU! VOICE#2 (V.O) ME TOO! I'M AS INNOCENT AS A DAISY! DUKE (Shouting) IF YOU'RE ALL INNOCENT! THEN WHY THE HELL ARE YOU IN GAOL! I'M THE INNOCENT ONE HERE! VOICE (V.O) OH YEH! LIKE! I'M AS INNOCENT AS A BUTTERFLY ON A FRAGRANT SUMMER'S DAY! DUKE SHUT UP! VOICE#2 (V.O) I'M AS INNOCENT AS A NEWBORN BABY! Greg "knob" Macpherson (V.O) LISTEN IF YOU JACKASSES DON'T SHUT THE HELL UP, I'M GONNA COME DOWN' HERE AND SLAM YER GOBS SHUT! Paul "You starting?" Sturman (V.O) SAME HERE! DUKE Shut the hell up! Gimme a phone call! I demand a phone-call to my lawyer! MOMENTS LATER CELL The door SLIDES open, and Lieutenant John Denmark a big Cop of about 40 storms in. He has glasses, thin blonde hair and a beer belly. Behind him is a rather weedy but plump cop, this is P.C Chris Penn. Lt.Denmark is very foul-mouthed, but whenever he swears he is bleeped out. LT.DENMARK I have had a report that you are causing trouble, Mr.Murderer. P.C PENN You're bad, you are! I should smack your botty! Denmark BACKHANDS him in the face. LT.DENMARK Ignore him, he's a dick. Anyway (Says it with real malice) MURDERER! Are you causing trouble? DUKE Gimme' a phone call! NOW! LT.DENMARK (BLEEP) HELL! YOU GOT BALLS, AIN'T YOU? ORDERING ME ABOUT YOU (BLEEP) MURDERING SCUM. I THINK YOU SHOULD (BLEEP) LIE DOWN SO I CAN KICK YOU AS HARD AS I CAN IN THE (BLEEP) RIBS! Now, why the hell is this (BLEEP) thing bleeping me out? (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) DUKE Gimme my phone call, now! Lt.Denmark tosses a PORTABLE PHONE in his face. LT.DENMARK One call, I'll be back in ten minutes. C'mon, Penn. Him and P.C PENN, who's holding his nose exit. As soon as they turn their backs, Duke gives them the finger. Then he dials a number on the phone. DUKE (Into Phone) C'mon, C'mon. His lawyer, Alex Mitchell-Hynd an "upper-classly spoken person" (in his own words) answers. MITCHELL-HYND Hello? DUKE Al, It's Duke. MITCHELL-HYND Ah, Ash. Hello. DUKE C'mon, you know I prefer Duke. MITCHELL-HYND Oh, yes yes. Whatever. So, still in the army then? DUKE Uh-huh, I'm an M.P. MITCHELL-HYND Oh! I say! High-rank isn't it, what? What? DUKE Yeh. It's not really a rank. It's short for Military policeman. MITCHELL-HYND Righty-ho. Now what d'you need? DUKE I've been framed. MITCHELL-HYND Nice painting was it? DUKE No. I've been set up. MITCHELL-HYND Yes you always were a bit "cuckoo", Ha, ha! DUKE Damn it, Alex! I have been caught for a crime I didn't commit. MITCHELL-HYND Now you're talking sense. So what was it? Pick-pocketing? DUKE No, something way more serious. Murder! MITCHELL-HYND Ash! I never! You and murder you were always an honest chappie. Murder! DUKE I didn't do it! Look here's the story. I was invited to tea by David "Wally" Walkeriam Matthews, y'know the politician? MITCHELL-HYND Yeh. DUKE And well, I managed to get into his joint. And I find him dead, stabbed multiple times by a hunting-knife. And I sorta found the knife, and was looking at it. When one of the Guards caught me, and well. I'm now in a cell in the local Police-station! MITCHELL-HYND Sugarations! What a predicament. I'll be right over, what! What! DUKE Bye. He hangs up. OUTSIDE HIS CELL Michael-Angelo has been listening, his eyebrows are raised. He takes out his cell-phone. ANGELO (Into phone) Jack? Yeh, the guy, Duke's just called his Lawyer, Mitchell-Hynd. Y'know, posh geezer? Right. This guys the best of the best. A little accident, right. Oh but don't Alex "Dumb" Mitchelmore him. I just don't think we want many murders on our hands, uh-huh. He also hangs up. ROAD Alexander Mitchell-Hynd a posh, well-dressed lawyer of Duke's age. Comes out of his place and goes into his Well-polished "Aston Martin". He shoves in a tape, and as he drives he sings along to the Monkey's "Day-dream Believer". MITCHELL-HYND Cheer up, sleepy drea... Suddenly a Dark seDan rams into him at an amazingly high and death-defying speed. His Aston Martin swerves and hits a wall, almost knocking someone over. Mitchell-Hynd jumps out. MITCHELL-HYND (Continued) You young hooligans! The seDan stops, and two mean-guys Jack, Alex "Dumb" Mitchelmore and David "Wally" Walker jump out. With Handguns in their hands. JACK Did boss say whether or not to Alex "Dumb" Mitchelmore him? Alex "Dumb" Mitchelmore Can't remember. David "Wally" Walker Me neither. JACK Ah well. Alex "Dumb" Mitchelmore Yeh, ah well. David "Wally" Walker Mm, ah well. -BLAM BLAM BLAM- They all fire at Alex, but their shots hit his car. MITCHELL-HYND YOU FOOLS! HOW DARE YOU! -BLAM- He is grazed in the leg by a bullet. The mean-guys speed off. An Old-lady witnesses this, and takes out her CELL-PHONE. OLD-LADY Hello? Ambulance please... CUT TO: CELL Duke is sitting in his cell, his hands are over his head. Suddenly the door flies open and four guards throw someone on top of him. They SLAM the door shut. Duke wrestles with the man and pushes him off. DUKE Hey! I know you, you're Daniel, aren't you? Daniel Phoenix. MAN Yeh, who the hell are you? DUKE Don't you remember me from school? Ash Brown? Y'know we were born in the same hospital almost at the same time. Our mums were best friends, so were we. We went to the same primary school, same high-school and the same "Uni". DAN Oh, yeh. DUKE Yep. So what're you in here for, then? DAN Huh. Well some idiot tried to nick my car. He pulled me out of the bloody thing. So I got back in, and well hit him slightly. DUKE You broke his jaw? DAN Well it was only a tap. DUKE Did you break his jaw? DAN Well...err...yeh. But it isn't my fault that his jaw is so weak. So what're you doing in here, then? DUKE Well it's a long story... MOMENTS LATER DAN Heck! What a predicament! ROAD Mitchell-Hynd is being loaded into an Ambulance. Denmark and Penn standing next to a Doctor, Dr.Luke Seaman. LT.DENMARK How badly is he injured? David "Wally" Walker he survive the night? DR.SEAMAN Oh, yeh. 'Course he will. It's only a mild bullet-graze to the leg. CELL DAN Unlucky isn't it? DUKE Yeh, but if I ever caught the bas... They are interrupted by Michael-Angelo as he speaks on his cell-phone. Greg "knob" Macpherson Yeh, speak? Jack. Yeh. Right. You shoot this Mitchell-Hynd guy in the leg? Cool. Who? The guy boss framed? He's called Duke Brown, was known as Ashley Brown. Uh-huh. C'mon Jack, you know boss's name. What, oh you've forgotten his address. Owen Persil-Jones 34th Brick stead road Salami common. Yeh. His number. Well you know his mobile. Yeh bye. Duke's eyes go wide and he leaps at the cell door. BANGING on it. DUKE YOU IDIOT! COME HERE! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE! AND I'LL Alex "Dumb" Mitchelmore YOU. Michael-Angelo stands at the cell and spits in Duke's face. Greg "knob" Macpherson (Taunting) You know the truth, but you can't do anything! Ha! Ha! Suddenly Dan runs at the door with all his strength and: -KAAAAAAAAAAAABBBBAAAANNNNG- The door flies off it's hinges and into Michael-Angelo. Duke jumps on him, like a madman, punching him and kicking him. Suddenly Paul "You starting?" Sturman and two other cops enter. Paul "You starting?" Sturman GAOL-BREAK! Dan pulls Duke off and the two of them SKEDDADLE through the main doors. And they smash through a window. BACKALLEY Both of them land flat on their faces in a small and dingy back-alley. Dan and Duke turn the corner, and run up to a small Mini-Cooper. The driver is Scott Clayton a "barking mad" guy of their age. DAN I need this more than you do. -BLAM-BLAM-BLAM-BLAM- Bullets hit round the Mini. DUKE C'mon, move let us get the hell in! SCOTT No, I refuse to move. Lt.Denmark is pushing his 40+ body to the limits. Racing after them. Dan boots Scott up the @$$ and he flies onto the back-seat. Both men get in and turn the keys in the ignition. Lt.Denmark has a moment of sheer horror, the car is coming straight at him. He manages to throw himself out the way, but BANGS into Penn, both of them SLAM against a wall. We then see Michael-Angelo arriving just as the Mini-Cooper drives off. he rips out his Cell-phone. Greg "knob" Macpherson Hello? James Marsh? Yeh, it's me. Michael, Duke's escaped Yeh, with another prisoner. They're in a red Mini-Cooper. Registration. A21 BBL. Quick. I know where they're try'na go. Uh-huh. Boss's place. But if they find that, then they're also gonna find the other body. Yes, get after them, dummy. CUT TO: FURTHER DOWN ROAD SCOTT I can't believe you're in my bloody car! G'on giddout, giddout. DAN I'm getting a bit tired of you. So clear off before you end up landing on your ass. We now see an angle from behind the Mini-Cooper, The door opens and Scott is kicked onto the pavement. He lands at the feet of an old lady. SCOTT Afternoon, ma'am. OLD LADY 'Ello, sonny. SCOTT Wanna catch a movie sometime? OLD LADY Oh sure, me lad. Whadda 'bout that new Zombie movie? SCOTT Fine with me. MINI-COOPER DAN Can't believe it. I really can't. Owen! Framing you? I knew you were enemies at School. But why take something like this so bad. Framing you for bloody murder! As we see the car shoot of down the road. An Estate car comes out from a turning. MAN (V.O) There they are, c'mon let's Waltz! CUT TO: MINI-COOPER DAN Y'know the thing I hate about Mini's is that there just isn't much room. I mean my knees are almost pushed up against my chin. And when you're my height, you know how cramped it feels. Sometimes I have to have days off work, because the cramp is so bad. DUKE That's a point, where do you work? I'm an Military Policeman now. You get paid a considerable amount, did you know that? DAN Nope. DUKE I better you're also in the army, you always wanted to be a Tank Commander when you were younger- or a Farmer. DAN Wrong. Neither of them. DUKE Err. I have no idea. DAN Butcher. DUKE No, really? DAN Uh-huh, haven't you heard of "Phoenix's quality Meat"? (Duke shakes his head) Ha! Our slogan is "You can't beat our meat". DUKE I'm sure that one's been used before! DAN Ah well. No-one dares say anything about copyright, do they? So I consider myself A-okay. DUKE Mm-maybe you're right. DAN Anyway, as I was saying one of the bad things about being in a Mini. Is that when you fart the smell is trapped in. DUKE Yeh. DAN Cool look at that Limo! I bet there's enough room in that so that if you fart the smell David "Wally" Walker waft around, but you can't smell it. Shall we take it? DUKE Look we came here to rid an innocent man, who HAPPENS to be me, of a Murder charge, no causing Grand Theft Auto. DAN Mm, I suppose you're right. Anyway, where are we actually going? DUKE King's Breach hospital. Y'know Alex Mitchell-Hynd? Well, he's my Lawyer and I asked him to come down here. But I heard from that (BLEEP) that tried to frame me that Alex has been attacked by these "Framers". So I figure that he's either dead or in the hospital. DAN Knowing the sorta Gang that we're dealing with, he's probably dead. Been shoot about twenty times and shoved into a dumpster in some seedy back alley. The smell may just have alerted some tramp who's drunk on Whisky. DUKE Don't say that. KING'S BREECH HOSPITAL The Mini-Cooper pulls into the big spacious car-park. Duke and Dan get out and cross over to the hospital. As they walk, we see through the P.O.V of someone with a sniper scope. He has is lined to the back of Duke's head. -POP- A silenced bullet flies out, and JUST MISSES DUKE'S HEAD! They walk into the main hospital and a smiling receptionist greets them. RECEPTIONIST Hello, what can I help you with? DUKE Yes, has a patient checked in by the name of Alexander Mitchell-Hynd. RECEPTIONIST Um, posh guy? With a bullet in his leg? DUKE Yeh, that's the one. Is he critical? RECEPTIONIST Nope, I don't think so. But go and see him, he's in Ward B-Room 36. DUKE Thanks. Him and Dan round the corner. And pass through a small corridor. The corridor is almost empty, suddenly we hear a terrifying bloodcurdling scream. Dan shudders, Duke looks around. No-one's there. As they round another corner, It becomes apparent that someone is behind them. ELEVATOR The two men clamber into the slightly unsteady Lift. Dan presses the "B" button. DUKE Well at least he's not stuck in a dumpster with 20 holes in him. DAN Well what if this guy, whoever it is... DUKE Owen. DAN Yes, Owen. Tries to finish him off. DUKE Oh well, it's a chance we'll have to take. DAN Are we going to Owen's place next, then? DUKE Yeh. But if he's not there, then he should be at The "Park Club". It's a place for idiots like him. HOSPITAL PARKING-LOT A Squad-car pulls up, and Lt.Denmark and P.C PENN jump out. LT.DENMARK That little (BLEEP)s in there. PENN Are you sure? LT.DENMARK Damn it! Trust me you (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) Hey! David "Wally" Walker cut that Bleeping business out! (BLLLLEEEEEPPPP). PENN Calm down, boss. The answer to everything is not to swear. Suddenly he trips over a lamppost. PENN (BLEEP)! CUT TO: WARD "B" DAN Now, what room was it that she said? DUKE Um, err. Room 36 I think. DAN Right. We pull back to see that we have been watching our heroes, from someone else's P.O.V. ROOM 36 Both men enter, inside the room we can see five people lying in beds. Mitchell-Hynd is a bed right at the end and by a television and a window. He nods to Duke as he enters. And Duke pulls up a chair, while Dan stares at the T.V MITCHELL-HYND Duke? Is that you old boy? DUKE Sure is. Nice to see you, buddy. Been a long time, hasn't it? MITCHELL-HYND Sure has. Well my Old Bean. At first One didn't quite believe that you had been Framed. But now One was attacked by a Gang of Hooligans. Armed with Guns. One starts to think otherwise. Ah well, sitting in here watching "Close Encounter" on the old box is hard to beat, 'ey? DUKE Phew! You and Danny are the only ones who do. MITCHELL-HYND So how exactly did you escape from Gaol? DUKE Huh? Oh well. Daniel here was put in the same cell as me and well, we found out that one of the Guards, a guy named MacPherson was in this guy's gang! MITCHELL-HYND Hi-Ho! How bad! DUKE Yeh and anyway as I was saying. I got the "apparent" address of the person who is meant to have framed me, he's an old enemy from high-school. MITCHELL-HYND Jolly-ho. And what does one plan to do now? DUKE Well we're gonna go over there and sort him out, basically. MITCHELL-HYND Physical violence? You do not intend to go inflict bodily-harm on him do you? DUKE The idiot, framed me for (Says it with impact) MURDER! Oh, not only murder but the murder of a good friend, plus a good politician. Of course I'm gonna kick his ass. MITCHELL-HYND Please don't swear in my presence. Swearing is such an unnecessary use of one's lips. DAN And so is "One", but I don't go jabbering about it! MITCHELL-HYND Jabbering? Is that some kind of common Slang for talking? Please refrain from using it in future. DAN Oh shut the (BLEEP) up! MITCHELL-HYND Why I have never been so offended in my whole life! Get away from me you...you vile little person! DAN Oh and I'm taking little from someone who's five foot five? Excuse me, I'm six foot bloody one here. Gimme the respect I should have. MITCHELL-HYND AW! DUKE What's wrong? MITCHELL-HYND One's got a really bad itch on one's neck, would one please scratch it for one? DUKE Okay. He stands over, Mitchell-Hynd and begins, to scratch his neck. Suddenly Lt.Denmark and P.C PENN rush in, Guns drawn. From their view it looks as though Duke is strangling Mitchell-Hynd. Penn suddenly slips on a wet patch and falls onto a bed. LT.DENMARK Get the (BLEEP) away from him you (BLEEP) (BLEEP) Maggot er I mean (BLEEP). Go on, get the (BLEEP) away before I (BLEEP) fire. Mitchell-Hynd is so offended by the swearing that he faints. And when Duke steps back, it looks as if he was throttling him! THINGS DO NOT LOOK GOOD! LT.DENMARK You (BLEEP) murdering dog! So that's two on your (BLEEP) hit-list, who next-me? P.C PENN check his pulse. Penn scuttles over to Mitchell-Hynd, and pushes Dan out the way. He puts two fingers on Mitchell-Hynd's neck. PENN (Turns to Lt.Denmark) He's still alive. I think he's unconscious. LT.DENMARK Well call a nurse in, you (BLEEP). Penn scuttles out again. DUKE You've got that idiot running around for you, you take advantage of him, don't you? LT.DENMARK What are you planning to (BLEEP) KILL him? Suddenly Mitchell-Hynd's leg flicks upwards, and it hits a tray beside his bed. The tray hits Lt.Denmark flat in the face, and he slips across the floor and onto the same bed that Penn fell onto. DUKE Alex, was that you? MITCHELL-HYND Yes, now go! I'll try to pretend I'm in Spasms of pain to give you time, now run! Duke nods and SPRINTS as fast as he can out the door. He turns round and winks at Mitchell-Hynd. And with Dan following they run into the large hospital. Lt.Denmark pulls himself up. LT.DENMARK (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) DAMN 'EM! THEY KICKED A (BLEEP) TRAY IN MY (BLEEP) FACE! (BLEEP)! Suddenly Mitchell-Hynd screams a painful and bloodcurdling scream. Lt.Denmark whips round, just as Penn and a fat Nurse jog in. Mitchell-Hynd is shaking his head backwards and forwards, and lumping himself around as if he were Crazy. The Nurse and the two Cops desperately battle to restrain the Posh Lawyer. LT.DENMARK (BLEEP) hell, nurse. Calm him down. NURSE It's a harder job than you'd think! MITCHELL-HYND AAAGGGHHH! THE PAIN, OOF! AIEEE! PARKING-LOT Dan and Duke burst out, puffing and panting. DAN Whoa! I have never run so bloody fast in my whole life! DUKE You gotta say Alex is a mighty fine actor, don't'cha think? DAN Mm. (Suddenly sees something O.S) Hey look at that! Duke wheels round to see three drunk idiots standing round the Mini-Cooper. DUKE Uht-oh, these guys look like trouble. DAN C'mon. They head towards the car. The "leader" of the Drunks, a stupid Midget named James Marsh begins giggling. The other two are: David Ramsass and Christopher Lambert. Duke tries to push past them. Marsh stands in his way. MARSH (Slurred) This yer car? DUKE Yep, now why don't you go and sober up, some other place from here. 'Cos I am having a bad (BLEEP) day here! And believe me, my fist would just like any excuse to beat your Brains to a pulp. The Drunks start laughing. RAMSASS He's starting on you, Big James. DAN He's not big, he's only about five foot six. James Marsh squares up to Dan. MARSH You wanna fight? 'Cos I'm a lot tougher'n you'll ever be, I could kick yer ass any day. DAN C'mon the---- DUKE (Holds Dan Back) We don't wanna fight, we just wanna get into our car and go. As I said earlier this is a bad day for me... CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT Hurr, Hurr. Show 'em, Marshy-Boy. MARSH See this car? This's a (BLEEP) midget-car. CRACK! He hits the windscreen with his fist, and almost dents it. CHRISTOPHER LAMBET Hurr, hurr, hurr. RAMSASS Go, Big James. Marsh a drunk (BLEEP) obviously thinks he's a hard-man, and he begins kicking the tyre with all his strength. DUKE Get the hell outa the way, DAMN IT! I am really gettin' mad! Duke makes a move at Marsh, but the fourth member of the Drunk party, an idiot named Scott Waters' jumps out of their Estate car. SCOTT WATERS Don't you dare hurt big-James! Marsh laughs and Punches the window, almost smashing it. Duke takes another step forward, but the Three Drunks cover Marsh. Dan brings his hand flying forward and grabs Christopher Lambert by the throat, and throws him the fullway across the Parking-lot. He then turns to the other Hooligans, to see if it has any affect on them. But they are too drunk to be bothered and they just laugh. Suddenly an Open-topped sports-car pulls up, and four more Drunks jump out. They are: Liam, Shawn Margayman, Stephen Jolly and Bradley Goodphew. All fools. LIAM Ya startin' on Big-James, are ya? Well ya better stop. Christopher Lambert gets up! CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT (BLEEEEEEEEP)S! He runs forward, and lets out a battle-cry. Dan puts his foot up, and Christopher Lambert runs SMACK-BANG into it, he flips through the air and lands on the floor. DAN Anyone else wanna try? Shawn Margayman grabs Dan round the waist. But the Big guy throws him into the air and SLAMS him down onto the concrete parking-lot. Marsh takes out a Switchblade and goes for Duke. MARSH I'm a Dangerous jackass! Duke shrugs, and picks up a brick he hits Marsh straight in the mouth with it. Marsh stands up for a minute, then he opens his mouth and all of his teeth drop out. Duke taps him, then his eyes roll and he falls BANG onto the ground. Bradley Goodphew throws his scrawny body onto Duke hoping to knock him down, but Duke knees him in the groin. Then he throws Bradley Goodphew into a traffic cone. Meanwhile we see the fight from a distance, as Lt.Denmark and P.C PENN step out of the hospital. P.C PENN Sir! They've attacked that gang, should we... Penn goes to run, but Lt.Denmark pulls him back. LT.DENMARK No, Penn. Let the Drunks floor 'em, then we'll move in for the arrest. P.C PENN Good idea! Meanwhile: Dan kicks Stephen Jolly in the Cock and Karate-Chops him in the face. Jolly goes down. Bradley Goodphew somehow pulls his weak and scrawny body up. Duke grabs Liam and stamps on his toe, then picks him up over his head and throws him down. Goodphew grabs Duke's leg, but Duke kicks him in the chin. Goodphew screams. Dan grabs Ramass by the back of the head and throws him through the Mini-Cooper's passenger's side window. Both Dan and Duke grab Scott Waters and they hoist him up, then drop him back into his car. Suddenly P.C PENN and Lt.Denmark are out them. Batons raised. Duke manages to twist out the way, but Dan receives a BONK on the head and he falls unconscious. Duke runs as Lt.Denmark pursues him. STREET Duke comes sprinting out of the parking-lot, and Lt.Denmark pursues him, pushing his porky-body to the limits. PARKING-LOT P.C PENN cuffs Dan. P.C PENN You're going down, (BLEEP)! STREET Lt.Denmark falls to his knees puffing and panting but Duke escapes. LT.DENMARK (BLEEP) When I get my (BLEEP) hands on you, you (BLEEP) murdering (BLEEP). PARKING-LOT P.C PENN and Lt.Denmark Shove the still-Unconscious Dan into the back of the squad-car. LT.DENMARK Right, you call an ambulance and I'll alert Station and the S.W.A.T team. P.C PENN C'mon, Lt. Sir. Is the S.W.A.T team really neccessary, I mean surely us N.Y.P.D can deal with 'em? LT.DENMARK Oh for (BLEEP)'s sake, Penn. We have a Dangerous murderer on our hands. You see what he done to these gang of tough-ass Drunks? These (BLEEP)s are a rowdy lot. Not many other guys could have beaten the (BLEEP) outa 'em. P.C PENN Hmm. STREET#2 Duke looks behind him a few times, and decides that Lt.Denmark is not following, so he takes a breather for a couple of minutes. What Will he do on his own? One of the people who believes him is in prison the other is in hospital with a bullet in the leg which means that the people that he's dealing with David "Wally" Walker be mean people! DUKE (To himself) Who the hell's gonna help, now? Man, I'm (BLEEP). (Changes voice) Hey Duke, don't you remember Kris? She always said she'd help you. (Changes voice) Ah no, shut up. She's our ex-ex-. She probably hates me, err I mean "us". (Changes voice) C'mon Dukey-Boy, isn't it worth a try you're a desperate man. She's a woman of influence and besides she knows you're not the murdering kind. Together you can go over to Owen's house and bust his ass. (Changes voice) Well it's worth a try. Suddenly a Squad-Car appears, Duke curses and jumps into a shop doorway. In the Squad-Car he can see a worried looking Paul "You starting?" Sturman and Michael-Angelo. SQUAD-CAR Paul "You starting?" Sturman Damn it, Michael. Boss's go' bust our asses for sure. Greg "knob" Macpherson Shut up! It wasn't my fault he got out. Paul "You starting?" Sturman Oh yeh, well it was no-one else's, was it? Greg "knob" Macpherson Just shaddup and look for him. VIDEO-SHOP Duke lets out a sigh of relief as The Squad-car ZOOMS past. Suddenly a video is thrust in his face, it reads: "THE INNOCENT MAN?". The Video is taken away, and the holder is revealed as Luke Derbyshire! LUKE Hello, didn't think I'd leave you in peace? The moment I saw on the news that you'd escaped I traced your tracks. Real well. I learnt a lot. DUKE Luke if you dare try and apprehend me I'll... LUKE Hey, don't panic. I know you didn't do it. (Mysteriously) But then again, who did? DUKE How d'you know? LUKE C'mon, Ash. You certainly seemed to think that you'd received an invitation to go to dinner. So I called the Hotel that you'd checked into, and yes there had been a call for you. Inviting you to go to Dinner. You see all the phone-lines are tapped in these Hotels, A. So people can't bring up huge phone bills and B. So they will also know if anyone's causing trouble. Of course they were reluctant to let me hear. So I got our old school friend and my cop buddy, Christain to help. DUKE Christain? Oh no! Suddenly Constable Christain Waller-Munford jumps up. He is a plain-clothes cop and the sort of guy who is obsessed with toilet- humour. He clutches an "XXX Hardcore porn Video" in one hand. CHRISTAIN Hullo! I wonder if this has any pictures of Bums in it? LUKE So where d'we have to go to clear your name? DUKE You're gonna help? LUKE Of course. Listen Duke you an old and good friend, I owe you a lot. So we're gonna help you. CHRISTAIN Yeh. DUKE Well I'm gonna go to my ex-ex's house and see if she can help. She's a good lawyer. LUKE Well c'mon then-no time to waste! They walk to the door. CHRISTAIN Whoa! Wait a mo'. He runs up to the counter, and shows the lady his "XXX" video. Then shows her his badge. CHRISTAIN (Cont'd) This video is said to contain under-age porn on it, may we take it for further investigation. SHOP-KEEPER Yes...yes of course. Christain nods and exits with the others. STREET#2 CHRISTAIN I just love being able to do that! They'll never know. Ha! DUKE (Pats Christain on the shoulder) Christain, you old dog. Always the same, as sly as usual. CHRISTAIN (Weirdo voice) I know. LUKE C'mon my car's over here. PARKING-SPACES A section of the road is a car-parking zone-like place. Three cars are parked there, the one in the middle is a Purple Volkswagen Beetle. Duke looks gob smacked. DUKE We are not going in that, are we? LUKE What d'you mean? It's the greatest car anyone could ever want. DUKE What!?! It's a woman's-car in woman's colours. LUKE Oh you're just jealous. Honestly you should drive it, it's brilliant to steer. DUKE Alright them. CHRISTAIN (Licking the video-case) (Dreamy voice) Mm. Bums, dicks, Fannies, BOOBS! BEETLE Duke sits in the driver's seat, Luke is in the passenger's seat and Christain is in the back. Staring mindlessly at the Video. The Beetle reverses out of the space and speeds away. LUKE See? She handles like a dream. I call her Bessie, I dunno why. I used to have dreams about me dating someone called Bessie, so since this handled like a dream, and I met someone called Bessie in a dream- I called it Bessie, geddit? DUKE Mm, it's hilarious. LUKE So which ex is it that we're gonna visit? DUKE Durr, Kris-who else she's like the best lawyer in the big apple. CUT TO: POLICE STATION INTERVIEW ROOM P.C PENN and Lt.Denmark sit one side of a small round table and Dan, still massaging his head sits at the other. LT.DENMARK Is the tape recorder on? Anyway, Interview commences... P.C PENN Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! I can't get the bloody thing to work, which one's the "REC" button? Is this the one? He presses the Stop/eject button and it ejects the tape. Lt.Denmark covers his face. LT.DENMARK GIVE IT HERE! He tries to grab it, but it drops and SMASHES on the floor. LT.DENMARK (Cont'd) (BLEEP) Ah well, let's just continue the interview anyway. So, what made you help a convicted murder try and avoid the law? DAN I decline to comment. LT.DENMARK Grr! Did he actually admit to crime when you were with him? DAN I decline to comment. LT.DENMARK Mphm! Why exactly did you beat up those Drunks? DAN Guess what? LT.DENMARK (Hopeful) What? DAN I decline to comment. LT.DENMARK (BLEEP). P.C PENN Are you a virgin? DAN I decline to comment. LT.DENMARK What kinda dumb-(BLEEP) question is that? P.C PENN Well I just wondered if he's stuck on that word. (To Dan) D'you find me attractive? DAN Obviously not. But I decline to comment. P.C PENN See? I always know how to get a response. Lt.Denmark growls and SNAPS a pencil in half. DISSOLVE TO: BEETLE DUKE So has Matthews funeral been arranged? LUKE Mac and Lucky're doing it. DUKE D'you think I'll be able to go? LUKE Dunno. If we can clear your name in time. Which maybe doubtable. DUKE Mm. Kris lives down this road somewhere. Number 44 I think. Aha, here it is. They pull into the driveway of a small semi-detached house. A face appears at the window but quickly ducks away out of view. The three men get out, and Duke knocks three times on the door. Christain continues staring at the "XXX" video and Luke stares lovingly at his Beetle. The door opens, AND THEY FIND THEMSELVES STARING AT THE TWIN BARRELS OF A MIROUKU SHOTGUN! Krista Campbell, Duke's fit and sexy ex-ex stands behind it. KRIS Get the (BLEEP) outa here before I blow your head clean off... (Sees them) (Distastefully) Oh it's you. DUKE Yes it's me. KRIS On the run from the law? Duke nods, shamefully. KRIS (Cont'd) (Tut) You shouldn't have run. If you'd have just used your head then you'd probably have got outa this! DUKE You mean you know that I didn't do it? KRIS Believe me, I'm a lawyer I deal with people in the same profession as you. She throws the Shotgun behind the door. KRIS (Cont'd) You're too stupid to murder someone real famous like that, I mean let's face it you know that a dumbo like you would never get away with it. So whadda you want? DUKE I need your help! KRIS Clear off. DUKE Oh c'mon, we really had something going together! Please help me! Please will you? KRIS We did have something going, until you had a shag with bloody Tiffany! CHRISTAIN Oooooh! Lost our virginity have we? DUKE (Ignores him) I was drunk, it was my 18th. KRIS Look, buster. I haven't heard from you for five years and suddenly you come knocking on my door asking for my help, when you are running from charges of Alex "Dumb" Mitchelmoreing a famous Politician not to mention a close friend of The President of the U.S.A! DUKE Please, c'mon Krissy-Girl. KRIS My name is Krista god-damn it! I am not some frilly teen! DUKE Look will you help or will you not? KRIS Who're you're friends? DUKE Luke Derbyshire, one of Matthews' bodyguards and Constable Christain Waller-Munford. Anyway, stop trying to change the channels of conversation. Will you or will you bloody not help me. KRIS Damn it! I suppose so. Y'know you're just like a baby, Duke. And I wish I wasn't the one who had to clean up after you! So have you got any solid information? Or will I have to do everything as usual? DUKE I've been told from reliable sources... Of course. That Owen Persil-Jones is either behind this or has something to do with it. KRIS Have you got a car? LUKE Mine. KRIS Well c'mon to his place. BEETLE Christain and Kris are in the back. Duke is driving and Luke (those two rhyme, I only just realized that!) is in the passenger's seat. DUKE Well if Owen isn't at his place then he normally hangs out at the "Park Club". KRIS Where's that? DUKE A place where (BLEEP)s like him hang out! CHRISTAIN (BLEEP)! Ha! (BLEEP) that's rude! Hey who Beeped me out? LUKE Shut up! KRIS Who the hell is this cop? He sounds like some kinda psycho. CHRISTAIN (Weirdo voice again) I know. Kris shuffles away from him. CUT TO: SQUAD-CAR Greg "knob" Macpherson looks pale, Paul "You starting?" Sturman notices. Paul "You starting?" Sturman What the (BLEEP) is bothering you? For the last fifteen minutes we've been driving, I keep looking up and seeing you looking like you've seen a ghost, what's wrong? Greg "knob" Macpherson Y'know they caught me on the phone to James Marsh? Paul "You starting?" Sturman Uh-huh. Greg "knob" Macpherson Well he wanted to know Owen's address so I told him! And they heard! Paul "You starting?" Sturman You idiot! I can't believe you! If they catch Owen he'll Blab! I know he Will. Look Boss's gonna kILL us if we don't get to Owen first. Greg "knob" Macpherson Yeh, and Rub him out. DISSOLVE TO: OWEN'S HOME It is a seedy place in the middle of a rather shabby housing-estate. The purple Beetle SKIDS into the Driveway. Kris and Duke get out. DUKE (To Luke and Chris) We'll take care of this, shout if anyone comes. CHRISTAIN Will do. LUKE Understood. Kris walks up to the house, "DING-DONG" she rings the doorbell. No-one answers. Duke turns to go. But Kris takes a step backward and LAUNCHES herself at the door. CRACK! It falls in half. Duke stares at her, surprised. She just shrugs. INSIDE OWEN'S HOME They enter. Kris looks around. The place is a mess. DUKE OWEN! GET OUT HERE YOU BA... KRIS Ssh! DUKE (Quietly) Sorry. She takes out a black Beretta Pistol and COCKS it. Duke looks even more surprised. She opens the door and heads into the lounge. LOUNGE The T.V is on and a Baseball Game is on. DUKE (Sitting down) Yes, the Chicago-Cubs are ahead. KRIS (Tugging his arm) C'mon it's no time for T.V! 10 MINUTES LATER Kris and Duke come out from the House and get into the Beetle. LUKE Any luck? KRIS Nope, there's no sign of him. DUKE It's the Park Club or nothing then. CHRISTAIN Did you find a VCR? I mean I just wanted to... KRIS Don't even think about it! You are not gonna watch "XXX" porn while we're clearing some innocent idiot's life. DUKE Hey I am not an idiot. He pulls out of the drive, and they SPEED on their way. Just as they disappear down the Road. Paul "You starting?" Sturman and Michael-Angelo's squad-car pulls into the yard. CUT TO: INTERVIEW ROOM Lt.Denmark and P.C PENN sit opposite Dan, a new Tape-recorder is on the table. LT.DENMARK So, Mr.Phoneix will you please (BLEEP) answer the questions. Now, Chris this is the REC button. P.C PENN Right. P.C PENN presses the "REC" button. LT.DENMARK Good. Interview commences... Dan farts. P.C PENN starts laughing. Lt.Denmark stands up. LT.DENMARK (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) WILL YOU (BLEEP) CO-OPERATE WITH ME! THE SOONER WE DO THIS THE SOONER I LET YOU THE (BLEEP) OUT! DAN You're not gonna believe this but (Pauses to let his words sink in) I DECLINE TO COMMENT! SO UP YOURS! (He gives them the finger). P.C PENN Sir, if I may say so... CRACKLE! They all jump, Lt.Denmark's radio SNAPS into action. LT.DENMARK Ssh! Everyone. Greg "knob" Macpherson (RADIO) (Accidentally speaking on Radio) Look I know. But we gotta find Owen first. Paul "You starting?" Sturman (RADIO) Uh-huh, so Owen will be at the Park Club? Greg "knob" Macpherson (RADIO) Yes. But this Idiot that we've Framed, he's got away from us right? So I reckon he's gone to the Park Club. Paul "You starting?" Sturman (RADIO) Mmm-hmm. But we really need to Bump off this Duke guy, make it look as if we found him, and he was armed. Greg "knob" Macpherson (RADIO) To the Park Club. Aw! I'm sitting on my Radio. ZZZZZZZZPUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT! He turns his radio off. DAN Didn't I tell you someone had Framed him? LT.DENMARK All you ever say is (BLEEP) "I decline to comment"! Anyway, d'you know where the Park Club is? DAN I have a vague Idea. Yeh, but I think I could take you. LT.DENMARK C'mon then. P.C PENN Can I come? LT.DENMARK Whatever. But let's (BLEEP) hurry. We need to save an innocent man. Now why the (BLEEP) does this (BLEEP) thing keeps Beeping me out? PARK CLUB The Purple Beetle SCREECHES to a halt right in front of the Park Club. A rather un-clean and dodgy joing. All four of them head up some steps. Two Bouncers stop them. BOUNCERS#1 Gotta Pass? BOUNCER#2 You don't come in this club if you ain't got no pass. Christain flashes his badge in front of them. BOUNCER#1 Oh right, sorry officer. CHRISTAIN Constable! You dick-head! INSIDE "PARK CLUB" Reginald Brown a small man of about 50 is playing Pool with a load of other dudes. REGGIE (BLEEP)! Missed the bugger! Jake Palmer, a nerd-like glasses-wearing freak stands next to a weak and skinny geezer, Owen Persil-Jones! A mischievous Drunk named Bobby. Grabs a Pool-Cue and just as Reggie leans over for another Shot he pokes him up the ass. Reggie swings round, and his Fist flies like a FLASH and Bobby goes flying. REGGIE (Cont'd) See my fist moved so fast that he didn't even see it comin'! But another Guy, Fred takes a swing at Reggie, who ducks. FRED Take that! REGGIE Now that in't very nice. CRACK! He doubles Fred over with a blow to the Jaw. Then he shrugs and Wanders off. Palmer Decent fighter, ain't 'e? OWEN Yuh, Unlike me. Palmer Mm. Owen bends over to reach his Cissy's glass of wine when suddenly a high-Heeled boot hits him right up the ass. He screams like a girl and turns round. Kris stands over him. Christain has gone off trying to find a VCR but Luke and Duke stand near Kris. DUKE (Grabs Owen by the scruff of the neck) You little piece of shit you! How dare you Frame me for murder... Palmer leans over and puts a hand on Duke's shoulder and YANKS him back. Palmer Hey, Dukey. It ain't him-c'mon that twat ain't got the brains or brawn to do such a thing. Duke throws Owen across the room. DUKE Well who the hell did then? Palmer Now that would be telling. Telling comes a price. Duke hands him Ten Dollars. Palmer (Cont'd) Alexander Mitchell-Hynd. DUKE What don't be so stupid! Alex is my friend, he'd never... Palmer Believe me Dukey-boy. As you know I have friends in high places. Trust me it's true. Alex was always intelligent, right? He was a good Lawyer, I agree. But as he told me once so he got bored of it. And well, thought he had brains enough to do it, so why didn't he play the bad guy? No-one would ever catch him-if he set up his own attempted murder now would they. Suddenly the door flies open, and Michael Angelo and Paul "You starting?" Sturman appear. Guns drawn. BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM! Bullets tear up the place. People are sent everywhere, running to escape from the hail of bullets that is surrounding them. Luke ducks under the pool-Table. Duke and Chris jump behind the bar, but Michael-Angelo sends a bullet their way. Kris dodges it and jumps up, BLAM BLAM BLAM Paul "You starting?" Sturman goes down with a chest fulla lead. But she is almost hit by Greg "knob" Macpherson who madly fires at her. Luke meanwhile breaks off a table leg. And charges Michael-Angelo with it. CHRISTAIN DOG-PILE! Everyone in the whole club LEAPS onto Michael-Angelo. We hear a couple of gunshots and Michael-Angelo screams. Palmer Quick! To the hospital. Christain, Luke, Palmer, Kris and Duke head out. BEETLE They somehow manage to get in. Palmer To the hospital and put a foot down. The only thing is that they don't notice the Infamous Dark SeDan that's following them. KRIS Well we seem to have sorted out two of those murderous (BLEEP)s. But I still can't believe that Alex would do such a thing. Palmer Well he has so you just gotta except it. I couldn't believe it either, especially when he told me. He said it wasn't because he hated you it was that he just happened to pick your name outa the hat. I mean what a freak! If I was gonna Set someone up, I'd at least do it to someone I really detested. DUKE Like who? Palmer Err...I dunno. CHRISTAIN Poo! Poo! LUKE Shut up. CHRISTAIN No that's the answer! Poo! LUKE What d'you mean? CHRISTAIN I mean "POO"! It's the answer to all our problems. We could use it to power the world's energy. We could use it to feed hungry people...oh Poo takes my breath away! LUKE Shut up, your breath is poo (Chuckles). Palmer C'mon let's go and kick this Mitchell-Hynd's ass. DUKE Hey, wait a minute. How d'you know all this? I mean for all I know YOU COULD BE THE FRAMER! Palmer Me! What the hell d'you mean? Me! Me and you go back a long, long way. I would never ever do such a thing. Anyway, you wanna know how I know? (Kris and Duke nod) Well, Mitchell-Hynd comes running in here, late Sunday night he's like y'know blabbing about what a genius he is. So I y'know buy him a pint. And he's just so excited He just begins to blab to me and Garry. Yo, Gareth wasn't Mitchell-Hynd excited about all this Framin' thing? Garry O'Brien a small black-haired guy finishes his pint and turns to Palmer. GARRY O'BRIEN Who? That posh Lawyer guy? Palmer Yeh, y'know. Suit, tie scruffy black hair? GARRY O'BRIEN Oh it was Sunday wasn't it? About the third time he'd ever been here with his pass, and he was just Gee. So excited, talking about Framing a mystery person. Palmer Yeh. I mean if we'd have known it was YOU he was gonna Frame, well we sure woulda done something. But we just decided to mind our own business. Hey, Ozza weren't you here on Sunday night when Mitchell-Hynd was here? OWEN Hurr? Err, Mitchell-Hynd! (Bangs the table) Mitchell-Hynd (remembers something) Oh yeh, that stuck up Geeza'. Seen him a couple of times. Was I there on Sunday? Jeez, I'm such a twat I can't rememba'. Palmer Oh (BLEEP) him. He can never remember things. Anyway, C'mon there's not much time to lose. Some of his men may be on our tracks. KRIS Well c'mon then. Luke, Kris, Palmer and Duke head towards the door. But Christain doesn't come. LUKE C'mon, Christain. CHRISTAIN I'll come find you, I just need to find a blinking VCR, Porn videos don't play by themselves. Y'know. CUT TO: SQUAD-CAR#2 Dan is in the back of the seat, with hand-cuffs on. P.C PENN sits next to him in the driver's seat is a very worried looking Lt.Denmark. DAN So d'you believe that he's innocent? LT.DENMARK Err...Look I don't know what to believe right at the minute. Um, everything is just so complicated. Two of my best officers traitors...But oh this is so (BLEEP) complicated. So Owen is the guy who's trying to frame him, right? DAN YES! I've just been bloody telling you. LT.DENMARK Okay, O-(BLEEP)-Kay. Keep your damn hair on! P.C PENN How far away are we from this flipping' "Park Club"? DAN It's right here, STOOOOOOOP! The Squad-Car comes to an abrupt halt, but goes forward a few inches and RAMS a DARK SEDAN! Out the way. Lt.Denmark and P.C PENN leap out, Guns drawn. DAN Whadda 'bout me? Lt.Denmark jumps in and cuffs his legs together. DAN (Cont'd) Oh come on! Won't you need me to show you which one Owen is? LT.DENMARK No, we'll (BLEEP) ask. PARK CLUB Lt.Denmark and P.C PENN jump in. Fred is near the door and looks surprised at their coming. FRED What'choo want? Get outa here. We don't want armed men in 'ere! CRACK! Lt.Denmark knees him in the bollocks then pushes him onto the Pool-table. Causing Bobby to miss a shot and SLICE the felt of the Pool- table. BOBBY (BLEEP)! He turns to Lt.Denmark, angry like. But both men point their guns in his face and he backs down. Garry O'Brien joint owner of this joint looks suspicious of them. GARRY O'BRIEN Who're you two guys? If you're causing trouble then you can get out, or else I'll get security. Lt.Denmark groans and shoves his Badge in Garry O'Brien's face. He is shocked and leaps backwards. GARRY O'BRIEN (Cont'd) Calm down! LT.DENMARK Where the hell is Owen Persil-Jones? Owen backs away and gulps. GARRY O'BRIEN Who? Oh, Owen. (He points accusingly at Owen) Him. OWEN What!?! LT.DENMARK You are under arrest f... OWEN No I ain't. He turns around and GALLOPS as fast as his weak body can carry him out of the back door. P.C PENN Uht-oh. BACK ALLEY Owen goes racing down it, his weak biceps try as hard as they can butP.C Penn bursts out. With a gun in his hands. P.C PENN Stop right there, or else I'm gonna fire! Owen gulps but continues to run, P.C PENN shrugs, and goes to fire a warning shot, but he somehow manages to eject the clip onto his foot! Lt.Denmark bursts out, he sees what happens and shakes his head. But he continues to run after Owen. The weak little twit SCARPERS. LT.DENMARK COME BACK HERE! I'M N.Y.P.D! Owen screams like a girl, and turns to corner, but BANGS straight into a Brick-wall. He bounces off, and into Lt.Denmark's arms. He SLAMS Owen face-down onto the hard concrete, then he and Penn cuff him. LT.DENMARK I arrest you for...Blah...Blah...Blah, you get the picture. Now you're comin' with us. OWEN Please, it wasn't me. Lt.Denmark raises his eyebrow. LT.DENMARK Then who was it, Mary Poppins? OWEN No. I know, but I ain't ever, ever gonna tell ya. LT.DENMARK Then you have to take it the hard way! OWEN Do what you like, torture me, injure me. I will never tell you! NEVER!!! DO YOU HEAR ME?!? NEVER! LT.DENMARK Grr. TELL ME YOU (BLEEP) (BLEEP)-nosed Slob! OWEN Never. P.C PENN May I, sir? He bends down and begins tickling Owen under the armpits. Owen struggles and shakes. He can't help himself from LAUGHING as loud as he can. OWEN Okay, will you promise to let me go if I tell ya? LT.DENMARK Go on, then. Owen says someone's name but we BLEEP it out. OWEN (BLEEP) Lt.Denmark uncuffs him and he and P.C PENN RUSH off. CUT TO: HOSPITAL Marsh is sleeping in bed, when suddenly his phone rings and he jumps up. Marsh opens his mouth to answer, and we see that he has lost ALL his teeth, and we just see gums-I wonder why that is? MARSH (Answering) Hello? DISTORTED VOICE (V.O) Hello? Is that you, James Marsh? MARSH Oh boss! How are ya? DISTORTED VOICE (V.O) No time, the Posh Lawyer. Duke has been informed that he is the Alex "Dumb" Mitchelmoreer. Alex "Dumb" Mitchelmore him, but make it look like suicide. Then when Duke gets there he'll think it's him...then we geddim, okay? MARSH Oh sure. Has he guessed? DISTORTED VOICE (V.O) Nah, he's stupid and vulnearble. I've got close to him. (BLEEP)! I gotta go. DO IT! Marsh hangs up. Then he sits bolt upright, he stretches then gets out of bed. WARD B Mitchell-Hynd calmly leans up against his cushion and calmly sips a mug of tea. In the bed next to him is Bradley Goodphew, they do not know each other. MITCHELL-HYND Well-well, come round, have we, chappie? BRADLEY GOODPHEW Damn I feel like (BLEEP). MITCHELL-HYND Please do not swear in my presence! I do find it most awful. BRADLEY GOODPHEW Sorry! Oh dear, my boss told me to wipe out these two guys. But I was a bit drunk, and well-they whupped our asses! MITCHELL-HYND Oh I say! You do so disgust me! Please try to talk a bit more sensibly. Act your age. I mean it is disgraceful someone of your age talking like that! You don't hear me going around F-ing and blinding like that, do I? BRADLEY GOODPHEW Nope. MITCHELL-HYND Tut! Now, can you please explain in mature language what happened to you? BRADLEY GOODPHEW Well these two dudes one of them is called Duke Brown, and the other is called Daniel or something like that. I can't remember. But my boss who's name I cannot say, for safety reasons framed him for a murder, which he committed! MITCHELL-HYND (Twigs what's going on) Really. Mm. Suddenly Marsh comes racing through. MARSH Alex "Dumb" Mitchelmore HIM! Alex "Dumb" Mitchelmore HIM! QUICK! Two Doctors happen to be on hand and grab Marsh. DOCTOR#1 Sir, please. DOCTOR#2 (Matthew Farthing) What are you trying to do? Marsh struggles and fights. JAMES MARSH Goodphew! Alex "Dumb" Mitchelmore that Posh dick-head! Palmer shrugs, then jumps out of bed. Matty Farthing RUSHES over to Goodphew and pulls him back. But Marsh throws Doctor#1 away from him. He grabs a Syringe and jumps at Mitchell-Hynd. MITCHELL-HYND AAAAGGGGGHHHHH! He tries to get away, but his foot is caught under a blanket. He struggles. Marsh sensing victory tries to leap onto Mitchell-Hynd. Meanwhile Goodphew elbows Matty Farthing in the nose and breaks free. Mitchell- Hynd somehow manages to push the wall with his foot, and makes his bed SHOOT forward, Marsh misses him. But Goodphew grabs a table and madly surges forward, we think for a second that he will get the posh Lawyer, but Matty Farthing intercepts him. MATTY FARTHING Hey Sir! PLEASE CALM DOWN! Bradley Goodphew hits him with the table then CHUCKS him out of the way. Mitchell-Hynd is still stuck, but he wheels his Bed out of the way again and Bradley Goodphew misses him YET AGAIN! Stephen Jolly happens to be in one of the beds, and he sees his friends trying to Alex "Dumb" Mitchelmore Mitchell-Hynd so he grabs a Glass-Water bottle and LEAPS out of bed. MITCHELL-HYND HELP! SOMEBODY! Doctor#1 tries to restrain James Marsh, but Marsh, Stephen Jolly and Bradley Goodphew push Doctor#1 out of the window and he falls into the busy road from TEN STORIES HIGH! MITCHELL-HYND (Cont'd) You're madmen! Marsh jumps onto the bed, and tries to jab Mitchell-Hynd with the syringe. But Mitchell-Hynd wheels the Bed forward, and he HITS STEPHEN JOLLYE head on! He flies over the bed and hits the wall. Mitchell-Hynd who is still stuck, grabs both of James Marsh's arms and struggles with him. Mitchell-Hynd wheels forward even further, Bradley Goodphew jumps onto a bed and RAMS into Alex's bed! Matty Farthing manages to come to his senses. And RUNS SCREAMING out of the Room. MATTY FARTHING You hang in there! I'll get help! James Marsh KNOCKS Mitchell-Hynd's hands away and brings the syringe down, he almost gets it into Mitchell-Hynd, and he would have done if Goodphew hadn't of RAMMED straight into him! JAMES MARSH Bradley you Dick-head! BRADLEY GOODPHEW Sorry, Big James. JAMES MARSH Just shut up and help me Alex "Dumb" Mitchelmore this fool! MITCHELL-HYND You'll never get me, Old Bean. He ROLLS into Goodphew's Bed, and James Marsh is CATAPULTED into Bradley's face, both of them FLIP over, and almost fall out the window. JAMES MARSH Quick push him out the window, They'll be here any minute! Both men grab Mitchell-Hynd's bed. MITCHELL-HYND NOOOOOOOOOOO! Suddenly Matty Farthing and some other Doctors and Nurses run into the room. Both Idiots PUSH the Bed forwards and all the Doctors and Nurses and sent FLYING over the bed. Mitchell-Hynd cannot stop the bed as it ZOOOOOOMS out of WARD-B. JAMES MARSH Quick get that fool! BRADLEY GOODPHEW Sure. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR Mitchell-Hynd screams and shouts for the MAD BED to stop as he goes WHIZZING down the corridor. MITCHELL-HYND OH NO! STAIRS! As James Marsh and Bradley Goodphew run out they see the Bed about to go down the stairs, but Mitchell-Hynd's guardian angel is alert, and somehow his mattress PINGS forward and he flies up. His hands grab a Lampshade as the Bed TRUNDLES down the stairs. And he is left hanging in mid-air. BRADLEY GOODPHEW STAB HIM WITH THE SYRINGE, BIG JAMES! JAMES MARSH I will. As we see James Marsh darting forward to Alex "Dumb" Mitchelmore the helpless Mitchell-Hynd: WE CUT TO: SQUAD-CAR LT.DENMARK Who the hell are these (BLEEP)s? The men we know as Jack, David "Wally" Walkerand Alex "Dumb" Mitchelmore step out of their Dark SeDan, which has been parked so it will block the Squad-Car's movements. DAN These guys look like trouble. Lt.Denmark Bibs the horn a couple of times. Then Winds the window down. LT.DENMARK GET THE HELL OUTA MY WAY, IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW I'M N.Y.P.D. All three Gangster/Assassins draw Handguns. P.C PENN (BLEEP)! DAN DRIVE FORWARD! BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM! Jack, David "Wally" Walker and Alex "Dumb" Mitchelmore fire as many times as they can. Destroying the windscreen and the back-window, SPRAYING glass over the Driver and Passengers. LT.DENMARK (From Somewhere) MISSED! He twists the Squad-Car so it turns sideways and !SANDWICHES! the three Assassins in between. But somehow Alex "Dumb" Mitchelmore throws himself forwards, and avoids the amazing DESTRUCTION. DAN He's on the roof! Someone get him! Alex "Dumb" Mitchelmore SMASHES the Sun-roof with the butt of his Handgun. CUT TO: HOSPITAL Luke, Palmer, Kris and Duke burst into the building. RECEPTIONIST What on Earth is going on, here? Suddenly Mitchell-Hynd's empty bed comes WHIZZING down the stairs. On the clipboard which is pinned onto it we can see "A.MITCHELL-HYND". Palmer He must be up there ready for us! DUKE/LUKE We'll go this way. KRIS And I guess we'll go this way. CUT TO: CORRIDOR Mitchell-Hynd brings himself HARD down on top of Goodphew and he spins dizzily into a Wall. James Marsh lets out a gummy scream and LAUNCHES himself onto Mitchell-Hynd's back. He puts the Syringe into Mitchell-Hynd's back and injects liquid into him!!!! CUT TO: SQUAD-CAR Alex "Dumb" Mitchelmore is on the roof, SMASHING the sun-roof with the butt of his Gun. He then falls through on top of Dan, both of them struggle. DAN HELP I CAN'T DO ANYTHING I'M TOO TIED UP! P.C PENN and Lt.Denmark nod, and with supreme lethalness fire as many shots as they can. BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM Alex "Dumb" Mitchelmore is CATAPULTED off of Dan and out the Back-window very much dead. CUT TO: CORRIDOR JAMES MARSH I bet you're feeling so much pain right now, ain't you? MITCHELL HYND Not really. JAMES MARSH Why the hell not? Mitchell-Hynd grabs the syringe off the idiot, and points to the end, revealing that black tape has been put over it. MITCHELL-HYND Well, well old bean. Seems that one failed Alex "Dumb" Mitchelmore me! POW! He deals James Marsh down with a CRACKING punch to the jaw. BLAM BLAM! Suddenly a bullet just ZIG-ZAGS its way past Mitchell-Hynd. Palmer and Kris come charging up the stairs. Palmer's Pistol spits lead and the Bullet hits Alex in the shoulder MITCHELL-HYND OOOOF! He spins into the wall, but manages to turn and run. DARK CORRIDOR They reach a darker part of the corridor. KRIS Uht-oh! We've lost him! Suddenly Palmer stops. KRIS (Cont'd) C'mon Palmer, hurry. Palmer suddenly takes out a Knife and Stabs Kris, she looks so shocked that she almost faints. Palmer It was me all along! KRIS NO! She falls SMACK-BANG to the ground. Palmer Now we wait for your lovely ex! KRIS He's my Ex-ex, actually. Palmer Whatever. He puts a Sniper-Scope onto the Handgun. (Or as we will call it for the title's sake, a "Sniper-Target"!). Suddenly Duke appears from the shadows. DUKE Hey! Palmer, me and Luke have split up. Have you seen... (Slows down as he sees Kris) ...M-I-T-C-H-E-L-L H-Y-N-D. Palmer it was you all along? Palmer Of course. DUKE Why you! He LUNGES forward, but Palmer grabs Kris and puts his gun to her head. Palmer You move and she gets it! DUKE Palmer! How could you! L-leave her, c'mon I'm the one you want. Palmer I'd rather Alex "Dumb" Mitchelmore someone you love. DUKE What d'you mean? She's my ex-ex! I hate her guts. Palmer C'mon admit it, you love her. You love her more than your own life that is exactly why I will shoot her. C'mon if I Alex "Dumb" Mitchelmore you first, then you won't suffer at all you'll just DIE! DUKE (Harsh) LEAVE HER! Palmer Shaddup! KRIS So, Palmer what about a motive, why do this? Palmer Huh? What? Oh a motive. You were always the best at school, Dukey. Always in the football team always the tough kid. Whereas me? Well I was always Skinny and weak but now this changes! His finger tightens on the trigger-SUDDENLY Christain leaps out, with his badge and Handgun drawn. CHRISTAIN (Weirdo voice) Have no fear! Christain's here! BLAM! Palmer shoots Christain. Palmer Damn you've always annoyed me! Suddenly Duke takes the chance and he LUNGES forward again, this time he KNEES Kris in the Private-Parts and she suddenly and violently falls down. Duke tackles Palmer and they drop to the floor. Luke appears. LUKE Hey what's going on! Duke and Palmer are meanwhile ENGAGED in a waltz of death! Luke snatches up Kris's pistol and aims. Palmer sees the Danger and: BLAM! He fires, the bullet somehow hits the barrel of the Pistol and ruins the mechanism. A gang of frightened medical people appear, but they daren't do anything. Palmer now has a good grasp of the gun. The other gun blows up in Luke's hands. DISSOLVE TO: HOSPITAL RECEPTION P.C PENN, Lt.Denmark and an un-cuffed Dan charge in. RECEPTIONIST Thank God! Coppers! Please I heard shots upstairs! As the Cops and Dan run upstairs they are met by a scared Mitchell-Hynd. CUT TO: DARK CORRIDOR Palmer SMACKS Duke's head against the wall, but Duke manages to BARGE him. Luke is about to help but Kris emits a painful groan. KRIS Help! Luke! Luke turns to the Scared Medical People. LUKE WELL HELP THE WOMAN THEN YOU IDIOTS! They quickly rush to Kris and begin to help her. Meanwhile: Palmer gets the feeling that he is winning the battle for the gun. Palmer You're at Death's door, Duke. Lemme' open it for ya! He kicks Duke really hard and Duke hits the wall with BONE-CRUNCHING pain. He takes out his Handgun and looks through the "Sniper-Target" at Duke. Palmer (Cont'd) I know what ya thinking, Punk. Did he fire six shots or only five? To tell ya the truth I forgot myself in all this excitement. Considering this is the most powerful handgun in the world and could blow yer head clean off. You gotta ask yerself a question, do I feel lucky? Well do ya, punk? Well this ain't the most powerful handgun in the world but still! BLAM! Palmer smiles. And he looks nastily at Duke, suddenly he sees a smoking gun in Luke's hands. He looks down and sees a bullet-hole in his chest. DUKE I think I do! Cheers, Derby. LUKE S'okay. Palmer lets out a SCREAM OF ANGER! He pulls the trigger of his gun. CLICK! Palmer drops the gun and laughs, he laughs so hard that it sends a shudder down our spines. Duke takes Kris's gun. DUKE I also know what you're thinking, punk. How many bloody shots has been fired in this Revolver. I don't acctually know either. I could check, but that would ruin the surprise. Considering this is a good enough gun to shoot you dead. You should think about running, Well do ya feel lucky? Palmer suddenly whips out a Derringer and fires. BLAM! CLICK! Palmer's bullet misses and Duke's gun clicks on an empty round. Palmer pulls himself to his feet and takes out his knife. Now the "Waltz of death" is for the knife. Lt.Denmark, P.C PENN and Dan appear. But daren't fire for fear of hitting Duke. DUKE (Cont'd) Don't do anything this is my fight. KRIS Are you sure? DUKE Uh-huh. Mitchell-Hynd appears and watches in Shock! Duke gets hold of the Blade of the knife, Palmer licks his lips, and twists it Duke's fingers are cut, but it doesn't deter him. He pushes the hilt and it hits Palmer. Luke suddenly throws himself onto Palmer, knocking him off balance. Palmer falls back slightly, POW! Duke strikes him a terrifying blow and he Smashes through the window, the Window-pane impales him and he FALLS OUT THE WINDOW AND DOWN TEN STORIES JUST LIKE DOCTOR#1!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUKE The Framing-(BLEEP) is dead! LUKE Halleujiah! CUT TO: ROAD As Palmer hits the Pavement, it cracks, then a Coach drives over him, then a Big Rig, then a Truck, a bulldozer, a digger, a monster-truck and a garage van of which he is scooped up in! DARK CORRIDOR Duke watches out of the window. DUKE I think he's gone! Now Kris are you gonna be okay? MATTY FARTHING She's gonna be fine! CHRISTAIN Hey what about me? Is no-one gonna help me? P.C PENN Where are you hit? CHRISTAIN Dunno, but there's a ninety-nine percent chance that my Dick got in the way and it's so fat no-bullet's gonna argue with that! Everyone laughs. P.C PENN (To Alex) And you? MITCHELL-HYND Oh it's only a graze. It just grazed my arm I think. MATTY FARTHING I'd better just check you over. DUKE Err, Kris. Um...I. Was just wondering did you...err...happen to wanna catch a Film at the cinema, sometime? KRIS Oh course. DUKE I, um. Would you like this as well? He gets down on one knee. KRIS AAAGGGHHH! You're on my foot! DUKE Oh sorry. He adjusts his position then produces a maroon-coloured box and hands it to her. She opens it and sees a lovely golden ring. DUKE (Cont'd) Krista Campbell, will you be my husband...(pause) err...I mean, wife? KRIS I'd love to be. DAN Mm, seems like this story has a happy ending! P.C PENN begins to cry. Lt.Denmark puts his arm over P.C PENN's shoulders. LT.DENMARK What on Earth's wrong? P.C PENN (Through tears) Happy endings! They always make me cry....WAAAAAAAA! Kris pulls herself to her feet, and she and Duke hug. MITCHELL-HYND Oh I say, young love! CHRISTAIN Has anyone got a VCR I still haven't found one! (He takes out the infamous "XXX" video) KRIS You know for one moment there, I really thought you were gonna die, Duke. You were a SNIPER TARGET! FADE TO: NINE SILHOUETTES, KRIS, DUKE, CHRISTAIN, MITCHELL-HYND, PENN, DENMARK, DAN, LUKE AND MATTY FARTHING. ROLLLLLL CRRRRREEDITS! THE END |