Comedy scripts

Start with various generic shots- the sun rising (time lapse), cars on a freeway, various characters waking up, getting dressed, munching on assorted breakfasts etc. Energetic music. A DJ enters a studio and starts setting up for a shift, grabbing CDs off of a shelf containing a few thousand. He pauses briefly to look out the window of the on-air booth which provides a view to a plain, ordinary hallway with floor to ceiling windows that look outside. More shots of the various characters moving around their houses, eating breakfasts etc. as the credits end.

2. INT STUDIO, DAY

ANARCHY JOE sits at the controls in a small university-station-style radio studio. The music continues in the BG as he speaks.

ANARCHY JOE:
Friday morning, shaping up to be a beautiful, beautiful summer day. (beat) Last night I was asked by an ignorant yet well-meaning gentleman just why it was that the youth of today is so hardcore. I answered him what I tell you now: the youth of today is so fucking hardcore because they are scared to death. Scared to fucking death of growing old and turning into their parents. Scared to death of rrsp’s and mortgages and pensions and premature baldness and working nine to five, monday through friday for the rest of their fucking lives. What do they have to look forward to but doldrum and monotony? What’s in their future but worries about cash and worries about retiring?

He pauses as he takes a swig from a mickey of vodka.

ANARCHY JOE:
All you young people, shouting your names into the winds of time the only way you know how: do as many drugs right now, this very moment, as you can. Fuck as many beautiful strangers as you can. Get trashed on rum at 10am and go to classes. Fight with each other and don’t stop until you break some bones. Cuz when you look upon something you’ve created, you learn more about who you are than you could in a year of silent meditation. Flip the bird at passing police cars. Find out who the fuck you are by finding out just what you’re capable of. I dare you.

CUT TO:
INT SIMON’S KITCHEN, DAY

SIMON’s alone at the table, eating breakfast- a microwaved pot pie. ANARCHY JOE’s on the radio nearby. TEXT on screen- MCU freeze of SIMON on the verge of putting a fork-full of food into his mouth. TEXT: "Simon".

ANARCHY JOE (on radio):
Go out. Go nuts. It’s one of those immortally beautiful summer days- the sooner you get into the sun, then sooner your day begins. My recommendation is to take all of the money out of your bank account and... I dunno. Throw yourself a parade or something. Create a spectacle. Blow something up and watch shrapnel fall from the sky.

ANARCHY JOE’s voice grows silent and incomprehensible, while the man of the hour, SIMON, reflects on the aforementioned comments.

SIMON:
Parade, eh?

He begins to address the camera.

SIMON:
I dunno about that, but I can tell you one thing, sleeping in this late would be a damn shame.

CUT TO:
INT DAVE’S KITCHEN, DAY

DAVE’s wearing an old bathrobe, pacing back and forth in the kitchen while some frozen pizza warms up in the microwave. He reaches into a cupboard and pulls out a glass, which slips from his grasp. Freeze-frame on glass tumbling and the stoic look on DAVE’s face while it does. TEXT on screen: "Dave". The glass hits the floor and shatters. DAVE regards it blankly for a few moments before pulling out another one, which he fills with tap-water. He, like SIMON, speaks directly to the camera.

DAVE:
It would be a damn shame. Sure, 8am’s early and I’ve only had four hours of sleep, but what’s the point of staying in bed longer? We got a full day ahead of us- parties, vice, some more partying. Maybe a bit of driving around and looking for parties...

He shrugs.

DAVE:
All that shit, right? Point is, why start at noon or at sunset or whatever when you can start at 8am? Cuz you’re afraid of getting burnt out? Take a fucken nap. We’re young, we’re strong, we’re proud. Let us pump our car stereos as loud as they’ll go and reverberate windows for blocks in either direction as a symbol of our virility- it’s the middle of summer. Gotta live, man.

The microwave beeps- the once-frozen pizza is now soft and yielding.

CUT TO:
INT, BOSHMAN’S ROOM, DAY

Freeze-frame shot of BOSHMAN asleep in bed, snoring loudly. TEXT on screen: "Boshman".

CUT TO:
INT SIMON’S KITCHEN, DAY

SIMON’s piling his dishes in the sink and walking around the house, addressing the camera.

SIMON:
Here’s the situation: we all just graduated from high school, like, a month ago, right? So we’re all sitting at this uncomfortable spot somewhere between adolescence and adulthood- waiting to get into university or looking for a job to work at for a year or whatever until we can figure it all out... So we’re stressed, we’re full of worries and we’re chalk full of uncertainties, right? But today- today’s different. Today we all have the day off from whatever shitty jobs we work for meager table scraps so we’re gonna cut loose like there’s no tomorrow and see what happens... And I dunno about everyone else, but I’m not gonna say one fucking word about my shitty job to anybody. (beat) First stop, Dave’s house.

CUT TO:
INT DAVE’S ROOM, DAY

DAVE’s dressed now, sitting on his bed in a really, really messy room in a basement.

DAVE:
You see what I’m saying, right? The bigger your stereo system, the bigger your penis: that’s what deep bass says about you as a person. (beat) Look at the size of my fucking dick, man. Look at the size of it.

CUT TO:
INT SIMON’S KITCHEN, DAY

SIMON looks off to the side of the screen and starts talking to DAVE.

SIMON:
Quit talking about the size of your manhood- you don’t even have a car, let alone a kick ass stereo like mine.

CUT TO:
INT DAVE’S ROOM, DAY

DAVE turns and yells at the side of the screen.

DAVE:
Don’t act so damn intimidated!

DAVE turns back to us.

DAVE:
Simon’s crazy about days like these. He’s got the impression that if we don’t stay awake for, like, twenty four hours, then our lives are going to be meaningless. But we usually have fun anyways- unless Boshman decides to bring Nicole along.

CUT TO:
INT BOSHMAN’S HOUSE, DAY

BOSHMAN’s laying in bed. He’s got really messy hair and looks slightly oafish. The phone on his bedside table rings and he slowly rolls over and answers it.

BOSHMAN (on phone):
Oh, hey Nicole.

CUT TO:
INT SIMON’S CAR, DAY

SIMON’s driving to DAVE’s place now. It’s really sunny out, lots of blue sky, few clouds... Really nice day in the works.

SIMON:
Nicole? I hate that girl. She’s the dumbest creature the world’s ever known. (beat) I can’t her.

CUT TO:
BOSHMAN’S ROOM, DAY

BOSHMAN’s on the phone with NICOLE.

BOSHMAN:
Of course Simon likes you! And Dave, too! Why wouldn’t they?

CUT TO:
INT DAVE’S KITCHEN, DAY

DAVE sips some tea.

DAVE:
I hate her so much! She’s only going out with Boshman cuz she likes some other guy and is trying to make him jealous. Not that it’s working. But more on that later.

CUT TO:
INT BOSHMAN’S ROOM, DAY

BOSHMAN’s still on the phone with NICOLE.

BOSHMAN:
Yeah, Simon’s got some deliveries to make or something, he should be here in about an hour. No, I don’t think he’d mind picking you up afterwards.

CUT TO:
INT SIMON’S CAR, DAY

SIMON’s driving, telling us the events of the day: as he tells us his plans, an itinerary appears floating in the air above the empty passenger seat: bulleted text describing each stop.

SIMON:
So after I get Dave, we’re heading out to Boshman’s acreage to pick him up, then we’re going downtown. My parents are in the Caribbean for a few weeks and they sent me a package, a souvenir or something. Anyways, then to the west end to see my ex-girlfriend, Hannah. She owes me, like, $250 and promised to pay it back- that’s our bankroll for the day. Then we’ll go visit Norton.

CUT TO:
INT NORTON’S ROOM, DAY

NORTON’s a total nerd. Text appears on screen: "Norton", but the shot doesn’t freeze because it’s hardly moving anyways. Our POV is low to the ground near the door of the dark room, looking across to where NORTON’s sitting at a computer, typing rapidly. He stops typing for a moment, then turns and regards the camera. After a second or two he turns back to the computer and starts typing again.

CUT TO:
INT SIMON’S CAR, DAY

SIMON’s still driving, telling us his plans for the day.

SIMON:
After that we’re gonna go for lunch at our favourite cafe, then find a place to chill till night falls. At night- it’s a trip to The Tiger Club, the our preferred locale for loud music, cheap drinks, hot chicks, and getting so fucked up that we don’t wake up for a week.

3. EXT DAVE’S HOUSE, DAY

SIMON pulls up in front of DAVE’s house and gets out of the car. DAVE walks out the front door, still sipping his tea.

DAVE:
Morning, Simon.

SIMON:
You ready to go yet?

DAVE nods.

DAVE:
I’m totally ready.

SIMON:
But you’re not wearing any shoes! Or socks for that matter...

DAVE:
Trust me, I’m ready.

SIMON:
Fine, whatever. But if I have to come all the way back here so that you can put on a pair of shoes, you owe me gas money.

4. INT CAR, DAY

SIMON’s driving, DAVE is riding in the passenger seat. They pull up to a red light (behind three or four other cars) and wait patiently for it to change.

DAVE:
What the hell is that?

There’s a person standing on the side of the road. This is GAS. He’s messy- needing a shave and a haircut and maybe some new clothes. He’s wearing a sandwich board which reads: "Gas is Murder".

SIMON:
Looks like some kind of crazy guy. Is your door locked?

DAVE:
I don’t mean him, look!

Walking down the sidewalk towards them is NICOLE, BOSHMAN’s girlfriend. The shot freezes and we see the text on the screen: "Nicole". She’s a hot blonde who’s obviously a total ditz- you can see it in her clothes and the way she wears them. She spots SIMON and DAVE in SIMON’s car, waves, and starts running over. The light turns green.

DAVE:

Gun it!

SIMON steps on the accelerator and they speed off. NICOLE stands on the sidewalk looking frustrated and perplexed.

5. INT CAR, DAY

On the road to BOSHMAN’s- just outside of town. Some fields and farmhouses and the like. SIMON driving, DAVE riding shotgun.

SIMON (to camera):
There’s only one thing we listen to on a day like this. He’s on the town university station once a week, for a 24 hour stretch. 9am to 9am. The guy is absolutely nuts and his name is Anarchy Joe.

CUT TO:
INT STUDIO, DAY

We see ANARCHY JOE for the second time in the movie, but this time with a quick freeze-frame and text showing his name: "Anarchy Joe". He hits some buttons.

ANARCHY JOE:
Let’s take a call. Hello caller, you’re on the air.

AMANDA (on phone):
Hello?

ANARCHY JOE:
Hello. Who is this?

AMANDA (on phone):
This is Amanda.

ANARCHY JOE:
What can I do for you today, Amanda?

AMANDA (on phone):
I think my boyfriend is going to break up with me.

ANARCHY JOE:
Why do you think that?

AMANDA (on phone):
Because I cheated on him and he found out.

ANARCHY JOE:
Then you shouldn’t have cheated on him.

He hangs up on her.

ANARCHY JOE:
Next caller, you’re on the air.

GUY:
Hi, Joe? It’s Guy. Listen, buddy, you’re two months behind on your portion of the rent. We’ve all agreed that unless you pay us back by Thursday, we’re going to kick you out because we’ve had just about enough-

ANARCHY JOE hangs up on him.

ANARCHY JOE:
Whoops, we seem to have lost him. Um... I’ll try and get him back, but in the meantime here’s my favourite song ever. "The Box", by Orbital. It’s 28 minutes long, so don’t call in for a while.

CUT TO:
INT CAR, DAY

Still on the road to BOSHMAN’s. SIMON and DAVE, both talking more to the camera than to each other as "The Box" begins.

SIMON:
The guy’s a genius. When he gets into his rants about society, that’s when he really shines. But for the first few hours of his twenty-four hour shift, he usually just broods and plays "The Box" half a dozen times.

DAVE:
The guy’s amazing- he’s a local celebrity cuz he’s just such a fucking good dj when he wants to be. You know, after he’s been on the air for about 12 hours or so.

SIMON:
Anarchy Joe never disappoints.

SIMON turns up the music, which cuts off quite abruptly.

ANARCHY JOE (on radio):
I’m going for a donair. Anyone want anything?

The song starts up again and SIMON and DAVE laugh.

DAVE:
I love it when he does that.

6. EXT BOSHMAN’S, DAY

They pull into BOSHMAN’s circular driveway and park outside his rather large house. He’s on the porch, waiting impatiently.

BOSHMAN:
Why did you drive right past Nicole!?

DAVE laughs.

DAVE:
Oh, that was her! We thought it was someone else. So are you ready to go yet?

BOSHMAN:
No, I’m not ready! I can’t believe you guys just drove past her!

He paces for a bit. SIMON rolls his eyes.

SIMON (to camera):
I know where this is going.

BOSHMAN:
Do we have enough time to go to the shelter?

CUT TO:
EXT WHEAT FIELD, DAY

SIMON, BOSHMAN, and DAVE are walking through a seemingly endless wheat field. SIMON’s trailing behind a bit, but for the moment we’re following BOSHMAN and DAVE.

DAVE:
Thanks for lending me these shoes and socks, dude.

BOSHMAN:
I don’t understand why you left the house in your bare feet.

DAVE:
My feet were all toasty and warm- I couldn’t go and warm them up even more by putting shoes and socks on.

BOSHMAN:
You just like wearing my sister’s shoes.

We move down to see that DAVE’s wearing a pair of pink sneakers.

DAVE:
No, I just like going barefoot. But I can’t exactly walk through a wheat field in my bare feet, can I?

We slow down, allowing BOSHMAN and DAVE to walk past us and SIMON to catch up to us. He begins to address the camera.

SIMON:
The shelter we’re hiking to is an old bomb shelter from world war two that we all discovered as kids while playing in this field. It’s the only place where Boshman feels the least bit comfortable discussing anything important with us. Like, fuck- we can’t just talk on his front steps or in his room or whatever- he insists on walking fifteen minutes through a grasshopper infested wheat field to get to the shelter cuz the guy just can’t talk anywhere else! Just fucking can’t. It’s so weak.

CUT TO:
INT SHELTER, DAY

It’s a not as much of a bomb shelter as it is a dark, dusty cellar. Basically just an empty room with some roots sticking through the ceiling. In the background we can see a ladder illuminated by a shaft of yellow sunlight- the only perceivable entrance. BOSHMAN’s pacing to and fro while DAVE’s looking bored. SIMON addresses the camera.

SIMON:
Pretty boring, huh? I suggested a table, some chairs, a lamp. Some posters, maybe stereo... Boshman shot the idea down. Said it would ruin the "ambiance" of the place. What fucking ambiance?

BOSHMAN stops pacing and finally gets the nerve to talk.

BOSHMAN:
Why don’t you guys like Nicole!?

DAVE:
We like her just fine, Boshman. She’s a good girl.

SIMON:
We hate her cuz she’s a bitch who’s only dating you to make Barry jealous.

BOSHMAN ignores SIMON and addresses DAVE.

BOSHMAN:
If you like her, then why did you drive away from her?!

DAVE:
We weren’t sure if it was her.

BOSHMAN:
Seriously?

DAVE:
Totally serious.

BOSHMAN:
(beat) Okay, then.

He turns and starts climbing the ladder.

DAVE (quietly, to SIMON):
It’s like, a ten minute walk out here. Why couldn’t he have just said that in the car?

SIMON:
He does this way too often.

CUT TO:
EXT WHEAT FIELD, DAY

The trio’s walking back to BOSHMAN’s. BOSHMAN is in the lead, the camera is focused on him, and he’s addressing it.

BOSHMAN:
We found the shelter when we were kids, so I had to bring them there cuz it’s the only place where I feel safe talking about Nicole- they’ve always hated my girlfriends. All of them. But at least I’m not Norton.

CUT TO:
INT NORTON’S ROOM, DAY

Same shot as before. Our POV is low to the ground near the door of the dark room, looking across to where NORTON’s sitting at a computer, typing rapidly. He stops typing for a moment, then turns and regards the camera. After a second or two he turns back to the computer and starts typing again.

CUT TO:
EXT WHEAT FIELD, DAY

BOSHMAN continues.

BOSHMAN:
I mean, the guy’s personal life is a total mystery. We don’t know whether he’s got a girlfriend or not- and personally, I’d rather the guys hate my Nicole then to have them talk about me the way they do about Norton.

BOSHMAN walks past us, allowing the camera to drift to SIMON and DAVE, who are talking to each other.

DAVE:
So how about that Norton, eh?

SIMON:
Yeah, totally.

The camera catches up to BOSHMAN.

BOSHMAN:
See what I mean?

CUT TO:
EXT BOSHMAN’S DRIVEWAY, DAY

SIMON, DAVE, and BOSHMAN all walk up to SIMON’s car, but SIMON stops for a moment, puzzled about something.

SIMON:
Hey Boshman, are you gonna be taking your car out to The Tiger Club tonight?

BOSHMAN shrugs, appearing uncomfortable at the subject.

BOSHMAN:
I dunno... I’ve decided that I’m just gonna sell it.

DAVE and SIMON both look shocked.

DAVE:
What!?

SIMON:
Don’t do that!

CUT TO:
INT BOSHMAN’S GARAGE, DAY

Darkness for a few moments before BOSHMAN rolls the door open, casting light into a dusty garage inhabited by a beautiful blue sports car. DAVE and SIMON swoon at the sight of it while BOSHMAN looks uninterested.

DAVE:
The most beautiful car in this whole fucking city.

SIMON:
Sweetest ride on earth...

BOSHMAN paces for a bit before gaining the courage to speak.

BOSHMAN:
Look, when my brother first sold it to me, I thought it would be the coolest thing, but... Fuck. I don’t even have a job right now. The insurance is ridiculous, it can only take premium gasoline... It’s just not worth it.

DAVE:
Don’t sell it! Just park it until you can afford it!

BOSHMAN:
But I need the cash right now- badly. Nicole has to pay off her credit cards somehow.

SIMON’s jaw drops.

SIMON:
You’re selling the most beautiful car on earth to pay off your girlfriend’s debts!?

BOSHMAN:
You don’t understand, she really needs the cash!

DAVE:
But you never even got to race it like you wanted! At least go out looking for a race with us just once more before you sell it!

BOSHMAN:
What? Forget it! I’ve wasted too much time cruising around in search of street racing- the rumors are just people spreading shit. So too bad, I guess. Oh well. It would have been cool, yeah, but whatever. It wasn’t that important to me or anything.

SIMON:
But are you taking it tonight?

BOSHMAN (reluctantly):
Yeah, I guess so. I’ll just ride with you for the day, then we’ll come back here and pick it up cuz it makes Nicole hot and she likes going to The Tiger Club in style. But at the end of the month, I swear, it’s gone.

7. INT STUDIO, DAY

ANARCHY JOE at the controls. From the look of it, "The Box" just ended.

ANARCHY JOE:
You’re on the air.

ANGRY JIM:
Hello, Joe. I’m just calling to let you know that I hate you.

ANARCHY:
You don’t like the show, sir?

ANGRY JIM:
Nope. And I’m gonna come to the studio sometime tonight and I’m going to have a bomb strapped to my chest and-

MAN’S VOICE gets muffled as if he’s talking extremely close to the phone receiver.

MAN’S VOICE:
You’re gonna frigging die like a-

ANARCHY JOE interrupts the man.

ANARCHY JOE:
Well, that was ANGRY JIM with his weekly bomb threat. Really, Jim, I was expecting more from you this week. I mean, isn’t this rather early for your call? Usually it’s around 3am, when I’ve been awake for too long and insanity’s creeping into my mind. I mean, at 3am it’s actually a bit frightening, but at 9am... Well, it’s disappointing, that’s all I can say.

ANGRY JIM (apologetically):
Yeah, actually, I’ve got to work tonight and my boss said I wasn’t allowed to use the phone for personal reasons anymore.

ANARCHY JOE:
You’re working tonight? I thought you said you were gonna come down here?

ANGRY JIM:
I dunno, I haven’t really decided whether or not I’m gonna go to work. And I guess, you know, if I’m at work and I’m not too busy I might take off early and show up at the station. You know, if I’m not too busy.

ANARCHY JOE pauses for a few moments, then hangs up on him and presses some more buttons on the control board.

ANARCHY JOE:
You’re on the air. What do you want?

NORTON:
Hi, is this Anarchy Joe?

ANARCHY JOE:
Yeah. Who are you?

NORTON:
I’m Norton and I’ve got a problem.

CUT TO:
INT CAR, DAY

SIMON’s driving, DAVE’s in the passenger seat, and BOSHMAN’s in the backseat. They’re all listening to the radio and at the sound of NORTON’s name/voice, they look at each other in disbelief.

BOSHMAN:
Norton?

CUT TO:
INT STUDIO, DAY

ANARCHY JOE:
What’s your problem, Norton?

NORTON:
I’m having some problems with my girlfriend.

CUT TO:
INT CAR, DAY

SIMON and the bunch are all flabbergasted.

DAVE:
Norton’s got a girlfriend?

ANARCHY JOE (on radio):
Continue.

NORTON (on radio):
I’ve been having some doubts about our three-year relationship.

SIMON:
Three years!?

CUT TO:
INT STUDIO, DAY

ANARCHY JOE:
What kind of doubts?

NORTON:
I asked her to marry me last week.

ANARCHY JOE:
How old are you, Norton?

NORTON:
Old enough.

ANARCHY JOE:
Listen, Norton. Women are bloodthirsty savages who’ll rip your heart out just when you’re happiest. Why? Because they get a kick out of it. They’re never happy until your life is in ruin. Then they’ll find someone else, making six years of your life totally pointless, and then they’ll do the same thing to him. Understand?

NORTON:
Um... She said "yes".

ANARCHY JOE:
(beat) Why did you call in again?

NORTON:
Well I think she only said "yes" because she would feel bad if she’d said "no".

ANARCHY JOE leans back in his chair and stares into oblivion for about eight seconds.

NORTON:
Hello?

ANARCHY JOE snaps out of his trance and leans into the mic.

NORTON:
So what should I do?

ANARCHY JOE:
How the hell should I know anything about love? I’m a single thirty-three year old. Cancel that- I know a lot about love. I know it ends in heartbreak and that means that I’ve already told you what to do. Wanna know what else you can do?

NORTON:
What?

ANACHY JOE:
You should listen to this.

ANARCHY JOE starts pushing buttons on the control board, but nothing’s happening.

NORTON:
(beat) Listen to what?

ANARCHY JOE:
(beat) I’m gonna play "The Box" again.

NORTON:
Not again, that’s the third time--

NORTON’s cut off as "The Box" fades in and ANARCHY JOE leans back in his chair, satisfied.

CUT TO:
INT CAR, DAY

BOSHMAN, SIMON, and DAVE are all speechless. After a moment, DAVE manages something.

DAVE:
That was our Norton, wasn’t it?

SIMON:
That couldn’t have been him.

BOSHMAN:
It sounded just like him!

CUT TO:
INT NORTON’S ROOM, DAY

CUT TO:
INT CAR, DAY

BOSHMAN:
I’m just going to assume it was a different Norton.

SIMON:
He probably called in and made up that story cuz he knew we’d be listening and he wanted to play a practical joke.

DAVE:
That fucking guy. I can’t believe he’d do that to us!

8. INT SIMON’S CAR, DAY

Sped-up shots of the car driving until it reaches downtown. After the barrage of footage, we see the car parked in the shade of a mighty office tower. BOSHMAN and DAVE are in the car, presumably waiting for SIMON to return.

DAVE:
Why’s Simon here again?

BOSHMAN:
His parents are sending him something from the Caribbean.

DAVE:
Like what?

BOSHMAN:
I dunno, maybe it’s-

CUT TO:
INT OFFICE, DAY

BOSHMAN’s daydream. A SECRETARY hands SIMON a parcel- a fairly small box, about half a cubic foot in size. SIMON tears it open and removes a taped-up brick of cocaine. Attached is a note with says: "Simon- Please stash this somewhere in the house until we get back."

CUT TO:
INT CAR, DAY

DAVE:
No, it’s probably, like-

CUT TO:
INT OFFICE, DAY

DAVE’s daydream. SECRETARY hands SIMON a parcel of the same size, which he proceeds to tear open. A warm, heavenly light shines on his face and he begins to smile. From the box he removes a human head. It’s Elvis Presley’s head from the way he looked in 1966.

CUT TO:
INT CAR, DAY

BOSHMAN’s staring blankly at DAVE.

BOSHMAN:
Elvis’ head?

DAVE shrugs.

DAVE:
Whatever. Hey- you know what would be cool?

BOSHMAN:
Elvis Presley’s head?

DAVE:
Fuck off, maybe it’s just an Elvis impersonator. You know what’d be cool? If, like, by some random chance, a meteorite fell from the sky and slammed into that fucken sidewalk tree and made the tree fall on that office guy sipping coffee. We’d be able to, like, yell "timber" or something.

BOSHMAN:
Yeah, I guess that’d be cool. (beat) Why the heavenly light from Elvis’ head?

DAVE:
It’s Elvis, dude.

BOSHMAN:
(beat) I thought you said it was just an impersonator.

DAVE:
Fuck off!

CUT TO:
INT OFFICE, DAY

A SECRETARY hands SIMON a package, which he proceeds to tear open. From inside he removes a strange looking African-style mask. He gives it a weird look, shrugs, and walks from the office, leaving the empty box on the counter.

CUT TO:
INT ELEVATOR, DAY

The elevator doors close and SIMON starts moving down, the mask in his hand, already forgotten. On the other side of the elevator stands a smartly-dressed attractive business-woman talking on a cellphone. SIMON begins addressing the camera.

SIMON:
Women are totally clueless about what a real guy is like. I mean, they might have a dozen theories or vague conceptions, but real men like Boshman or Dave, or myself for that matter, will always confuse them. Shit- Boshman and Dave are probably sitting in the car right now playing that whole "you know what would be cool" game of theirs.

CUT TO:
INT CAR, DAY

BOSHMAN:
You know what would be cool?

DAVE:
What?

BOSHMAN:
If there was, like, this giant earthquake right now and this big cracked opened up in the street and swallowed that business guy with the coffee and then it spewed up a massive fountain of lava that, like, went a hundred thousand feet into the air. And, like, it would go so far into the atmosphere, into space or whatever that it froze all the way down to the base and we were left with this massive hundred-thousand foot high spike of rock coming out of the sidewalk.

DAVE:
Yeah, that would be pretty cool.

CUT TO:
INT ELEVATOR, DAY

SIMON:
See what I mean? That’s what guys like us are all about. And before you say that it’s lame or uncool or whatever, just look at how happy those two are. Proof that ignorance is truly bliss.

CUT TO:
INT CAR, DAY

DAVE:
Now you know what would be cool? It would be cool if everything was, like, always on fire but nothing ever actually burned. I could be all, like, "woah, look man, my arm’s on fire!" and you could totally be, like, "yeah, man! So’s mine!" That’d be cool.

BOSHMAN:
Yeah, that would be pretty cool.

CUT TO:
INT ELEVATOR, DAY

We hear the smartly dressed attractive business-woman (CELESTE) on her cellphone as SIMON studies her briefly.

CELESTE:
What I don’t understand is why you’re not willing to take that extra risk. When the stock is this cheap and it’s everything but guaranteed in writing to go up, why aren’t you throwing in a little extra pinch of cash and getting ten thousand shares instead of just two? What? Oh, shit, I think my battery’s about to die. What? No, I- shit.

She glances at the phone and puts it into one of her pockets, then tossing a quick look at SIMON and sighing to herself. SIMON turns back to the camera.

SIMON:
Why are Dave and Boshman so happy? Cuz it’s a fun game and it gives them a chance to use their imaginations. Problem is that that sort of immature spirit is why they (and me) have had so many problems in relationships. Chicks go out with us to have fun, but after a while the sort of things they found cute just get annoying and it leads to tension. At least, that’s my take on the situation.

The elevator suddenly lurches to a stop halfway between the second floor and the lobby.

CELESTE:
Shit, not again!

She regards SIMON for a moment before running her hand through her long hair impatiently, regarding the panel of buttons. SIMON looks at her before addressing the camera once more.

SIMON:
I read somewhere that it’s every guy’s dream to be stuck in an elevator with a beautiful woman.

He glances over at CELESTE, who’s pressing buttons on the control panel randomly. He turns back to the camera.

SIMON:
But now that I’m here, it’s not so great. Afterall, it’s a summer day and all I want to do is get to the bookstore to get that two hundred and fifty bucks that Hannah owes me.

CELESTE sighs once more and looks towards SIMON.

CELESTE:
I guess we’re stuck here.

SIMON:
Yup.

CELESTE:
I’m Celeste. Do you have any "getting out of a stuck elevator" sort of expertise?

SIMON:
I’m Simon. We can always try the phone.

CELESTE snorts.

CELESTE:
Take a look at it for yourself.

He moves to the control panel and pops open the door on which there is a phone logo. Inside is a phone, stickered with the message: "If you need assistance, simply dial 63(unintelligible)". There are three or four more numbers but they’re all cracked up and worn out from years of disuse. SIMON grins and takes the phone.

SIMON:
I got some friends waiting for me in a car downstairs. I’ll just call them and have them tell security or whoever that we’re stuck in here.

CELESTE nods and waves her hand indifferently. SIMON addresses the camera.

SIMON:
Good thing I left the cellphone in the glove box.

CUT TO:
INT CAR, DAY

DAVE:
Yeah, that would be pretty cool.

The phone in the glove compartment begins to ring. BOSHMAN and DAVE suddenly panic.

BOSHMAN:
What the hell is that?!

DAVE:
It’s the phone!

BOSHMAN:
Where is it!?

They’re both acting as though the ringing phone is an emergency of epic proportions. DAVE opens the glove box and pulls it out.

DAVE:
Should I answer it!?

BOSHMAN:
How the hell should I know?!

DAVE:
I’m too scared to answer it. It could be, like, some kind of psycho-killer who turns out to be, like, one of my ex-girlfriends. That’d be embarrassing. But we could be all, like, "the call is coming from inside the trunk".

BOSHMAN laughs.

BOSHMAN:
Yeah, and then she’d kill both of us... I guess. That’d be cool, right?

DAVE:
Fuck no! It would be severely uncool!

BOSHMAN:
Right. So that means you shouldn’t answer it, just in case.

DAVE:
I doubt that there’s actually a psycho-killer sitting in the trunk waiting to spring forth and kill us.

BOSHMAN:
Is this one of those cars where you can get to the trunk through the back seat?

DAVE:
No, it’s too old. So should I answer the phone, or not?

The phone stops ringing. BOSHMAN shrugs.

BOSHMAN:
I guess not.

CUT TO:
INT ELEVATOR, DAY

SIMON hangs up the phone, annoyed.

CELESTE:
No answer?

SIMON:
Either the ringer’s off or my idiot friends forgot how to answer a phone.

SIMON stares at CELESTE for a few moments and she stares back at him. You could cut the sexual tension with a knife. SIMON leaps upon her and they start making out in a frenzy. There’s a quick jump cut and we see SIMON staring at CELESTE from across the elevator, a weird little grin on his face. She looks back coldly, awkwardly, not returning any bit of his emotion.

CELESTE:
What, have I got something in my teeth or something?

SIMON’s significantly embarrassed and turns away. CELESTE secretly smiles at him, obviously taking some degree of pleasure from both his original look and his shame. SIMON doesn’t see her smile.

9. INT STUDIO, DAY

ANARCHY JOE is on the phone with a caller, his feet up on the control board.

ANARCHY JOE:
Listen, Melissa. The guy is obviously on a power trip and if you don’t say something, he’ll never know and continue to think that his behavior’s alright. I mean, unless he’s listening right now. Which could, uh... You know... It’d mean that you’d be, like, telling him covertly. Through me. Which’d be intesting, cuz it would make your original question moot.

LARISSA:
Larissa.

ANARCHY JOE:
What?

LARISSA:
My name’s Larissa, not Melissa.

ANARCHY JOE:
Who cares what your name is? We’re discussing your boyfriend problems, not your name! If we cared about your name in the least, we’d be discussing that!

LARISSA:
But we are discussing it.

ANARCHY JOE:
Have you ever called into the show before, Melissa?

LARISSA:
Yeah, uh... Once before, I guess.

ANARCHY JOE:
And what did I tell you then?

LARISSA:
(sighs) That you didn’t like rock and roll because rock and roll is dead, and that I was a total idiot to try and request ac/dc.

ANARCHY JOE:
Remember it! And take it to heart next time you think of calling in!

He hangs up on her.

ANARCHY JOE:
If anyone has anything important to say, call in now and sit there and let the thing ring a few hundred times while I ignore you. Here’s some music- something pathetically short. I think it’s only, like, what? Four and a half minutes? Fuck, that can’t be right. It’s probably, like, the 7-inch version. I’ve got a fifteen minute remix of it at home but they won’t let me play stuff I bring from home over the radio except after midnight cuz, you know, the whole "dj" thing can’t be done with a library of only a few thousand cds.

ANARCHY JOE starts the song, stands up and leaves the room. The phone lights blink in his absence.

CUT TO:
INT ELEVATOR, DAY

SIMON and CELESTE, still stuck inside, both sitting on the floor looking bored. SIMON hangs up his cellphone and sighs.

CELESTE:
Who were you calling?

SIMON:
Anarchy Joe- local radio show. Ever heard of ‘em?

CELESTE lets out a short laugh.

CELESTE:
I used to go out with him.

SIMON:
No way! I’m, like, one of his biggest fans!

CELESTE:
You ever call in before?

SIMON shakes his head.

SIMON:
I’m not one of those kinds of fans.

CELESTE:
Those?

SIMON:
You know, people who phone in. Become regulars and stuff. He’s the soundtrack for our day- that’s a one-sided thing, I could never make it interactive. And besides, what could I say to someone that great? I’d just look like a drooling fan.

CELESTE:
But you were just calling in...

SIMON:
Emergency- to let Dave and Boshman know I’m stuck in the elevator.

CELESTE:
He’s not as untouchable as you might think. He’s really quite sensitive, a totally different person from his on-air persona. I’m sure if you called in and told him what a big fan you are, he’d probably give you concert tickets or something.

SIMON:
I couldn’t do it. I worship him far too much to ever let him know I exist.

As CELESTE is about to speak, the elevator shakes, then moves down a floor. The doors slide open as SIMON and CELESTE get to their feet and regard each other for a moment.

CELESTE:
Well, see you later.

She smiles and starts to leave, getting a few steps away before SIMON leans out, grabs her wrist, and pulls her back in. They start making out in a frenzy, just like before. SIMON slams her up against the wall and she raises her legs around him, revealing a healthy white thigh which SIMON starts to grope as the elevator doors slide shut. There’s a quick jump cut, revealing this episode, like the last, to be a figment of SIMON’s overactive imagination. She’s gone and he’s alone in the elevator, holding a fucked up Caribbean mask, which he regards for a moment before sighing and leaving the elevator.

10. INT CAR, DAY

SIMON, DAVE, and BOSHMAN are all in the car, which is heading out of downtown. "The Box" is on the radio. DAVE’s fiddling with the Caribbean mask.

BOSHMAN:
What time is it?

DAVE:
Like, almost noon.

BOSHMAN:
Shit! I forgot to call Nicole! She’s gonna be so pissed at me- hand me the cellphone.

DAVE sighs and tosses SIMON’s cellphone into the backseat. BOSHMAN dials the number as the car stops at a red light. On the back of the cellphone there’s a sticker which says, simply enough, "Anarchy Joe".

BOSHMAN:
Nicole, hi! Listen, I- Yeah, I know! I know I was supposed to call you, I’m sorry! I-(beat)

BOSHMAN looks up towards SIMON.

BOSHMAN:
Where are we going?

SIMON:
To the bookstore to get cash that Hannah owes me.

BOSHMAN:
So when can we pick up Nicole?

SIMON:
After we drop by Norton’s house. I dunno, two, three o’clock. Just tell her you’ll call her back.

BOSHMAN:
Hey, baby? Can I call you back? Yeah. Yeah, I know, I know. No, feel free to go shopping, Simon says we’ll be a few hours anyways. Yeah, I love you, too! No, I love you more! No, I love you more!

DAVE suddenly leaps across the backseat and snatches away the cellphone.

DAVE:
Gimme that fucken phone!

He hangs up the phone and throws it back in the glove box with a relieved sigh. BOSHMAN’s looking hurt.

BOSHMAN:
Dude!

DAVE:
Fuck off!

BOSHMAN:
Settle, bro!

CUT TO:
INT NORTON’S ROOM, DAY

Usual shot- POV low to the ground in the corner of a dark room, looking to where NORTON sits at a computer, typing rapidly. He stops typing for a moment, then turns and regards the camera.

NORTON:
What are you looking at?

CUT TO:
NORTON’S POV

In the doorway of his room sits a small stuffed animal- a blue elephant, which is staring directly at him.

CUT TO:
STUFFED ANIMAL POV

NORTON stands and approaches the animal, picking it up and turning it around to face the door. We hear footsteps retreating, followed by the sound of a computer keyboard.

11. INT MESSY ROOM, DAY

We see a tall, fairly athletic yet unkempt youth sitting at the edge of his bed, twitching and moving around a great deal cuz he’s hyper. ANARCHY JOE’s on the radio, playing some good music. CALVIN grins as he addresses us, text appearing on screen to show us his name.

CALVIN:
Hello. My name is Calvin, and this is: "life under the influence".

There’s a quick jump-cut.

CALVIN:
Hello. I’m Calvin, friends with Simon & Co., and drugs are my life.

Another jump-cut.

CALVIN:
Hello, I’m calvin, and this is what an ounce of weed looks like.

He holds up a big bag of weed and grins maniacally. Text on screen: "Calvin".

CALVIN:
But for my money, on a day like today, cubes are best.

He holds up a single little green cube, shining with a sort of dull sheen.

CALVIN:
Green is for chilling. For afternoons. Mild hallucinatory effects, general sense of euphoria.

In his other hand he holds up a single little red cube.

CALVIN:
Red is for partying. Where normally green is go and red is stop, this time green is for go and red is for "go faster, go harder". You get me? So now I’m gonna pop in a green and get some more sleep, cuz it’s, what, noon? I got three hours of sleep last night, so now I’ve gotta get some solid hours until I go out with to the club with the guys this evening. Green doesn’t help you sleep, but if you mix it with a shitload of alcohol like I’m doing, it’ll knock you out for about four hours and you’ll wake up with so much energy that you’ll just start fucking babbling and shit, so much energy that you’ll be useless to society as anything but entertainment, follow?

He pops a little green cube into his mouth and smiles.

CALVIN:
I’ll see all of you later.

He lays back on his bed and so exits the frame. Our view slowly drifts to the ceiling as the volume of the music increases. On the ceiling there sits a poster of a HOT CHICK wearing some tight clothes. We slowly zoom in to her smiling face and after a few moments, she changes her pose slightly and winks at us.

CUT TO:
INT BOOKSTORE, DAY

Yup, it’s definitely a bookstore, and a large one at that. Windows look out to a crowded mall and a coffee shop sits in the corner, full of trendy people and shelves stocked full of candles and trendy executive decision makers and the like. Upbeat jazz muzik plays, but otherwise the place is uncomfortably quiet. SIMON, BOSHMAN, and DAVE all stand just inside the front doors, looking totally out of their league.

BOSHMAN:
I shouldn’t be here. I haven’t read a book in five years.

SIMON:
I read books all the time. Doesn’t mean I’m comfortable in here.

A CUTE BOOK GIRL approaches.

CUTE BOOK GIRL:
Can I help you boys with anything?

SIMON:
Uh... Yeah. Can you page Hannah?

The CUTE BOOK GIRL smiles.

CUTE BOOK GIRL:
You must be Simon.

SIMON:
Yeah. Uh... That’s me.

CUTE BOOK GIRL:
She told me to keep an eye out for you- she’s on her lunch-break. Follow me!

The CUTE BOOK GIRL walks off and SIMON follows her like a lamb to the slaughter. He glances back to DAVE and BOSHMAN, who look very stunned and very, very alone.

CUT TO:
INT LUNCHROOM, DAY

It’s a small lunchroom, consisting of a few tables and chairs, and a couple vending machines. And, of course, Hannah. She’s a pretty girl with dark hair- and an obvious mean streak. In fact, she’s staring at her salad with disgust when the CUTE BOOK GIRL leads SIMON into the room, backing off a few steps but hanging around as though hoping to hear an argument.

HANNAH:
Simon. A little late as always.

SIMON:
I was stuck in an elevator.

HANNAH:
Right.

SIMON turns to regard the camera.

SIMON:
As you can see, she’s painfully bitter. I caught her cheating on me with this fucker named Barry- football player, jock-type. He’s got an IQ of, like, four, and in high school he used to boast about taking chicks to romantic comedies just so he could get play. I hate to say it, but I probably wouldn’t be so pissed if it was anyone but Barry. But yeah, that broke us up. That and the fact that she didn’t feel bad for cheating, she felt bad for getting caught.

SIMON turns back to HANNAH.

SIMON:
Look, I don’t want an argument. You said you’d give me the two hundred and fifty bucks you owe me.

HANNAH pulls out a ten dollar bill.

HANNAH:
I have ten. Take it or leave it.

Something seems to snap in SIMON’s brain and he looks confused.

SIMON:
Ten bucks? I drove all the way across town for ten bucks?

HANNAH:
Yeah, I guess so.

SIMON:
No, that’s not what happened! I drove here for two hundred and fifty bucks!

HANNAH:
Ten or nothing.

She holds up a single, dirty and slightly torn up ten dollar bill, which SIMON snatches from her grasp.

SIMON:
I can’t believe this! I needed that money for the day! For lunch, and for The Tiger Club!

HANNAH:
Well, now you’ve got lunch money.

SIMON:
Not at the cafe we were planning to go to!

HANNAH:
Be thankful for what you got- I didn’t have to give you anything.

SIMON:
Like hell! You said you’d give me everything!

HANNAH shrugs indifferently. SIMON, consumed with rage, stands. He stares at her in disgust for a few moments. HANNAH looks him in the eye, shrugs indifferently once more, and then waves him off with the back of her hand. SIMON leaves, pissed off.

CUT TO:
INT CAR, DAY

SIMON is, as always, driving. He’s angry. His fingers are clutching the steering wheel with a death-grip. DAVE and BOSHMAN are staring at him questioningly; presumably he hasn’t told them yet about how things went with HANNAH, but they can basically tell for themselves. ANARCHY JOE’s on the radio.

ANARCHY JOE (on radio):
Are you mad...?

SIMON:
Yeah...

ANARCHY JOE:
Are you pissed off!?

SIMON screams and hits the steering wheel really hard.

SIMON:
Fuckin’ right!

ANARCHY JOE:
Then listen to "The Box"!

The song comes on and even with the opening chords, SIMON calms down and lets out a euphoric sigh. DAVE and BOSHMAN stare at him in silent shock and fear.

12. INT CAR, DAY

Sometime later. "The Box" is finished and has been replaced by something else, but SIMON’s still looking a little stressed. He drives silently, staring blankly at the road in front of him while DAVE and BOSHMAN speculate about the afternoon.

DAVE:
So... Now what? Are we skipping lunch, or...?

BOSHMAN:
I’m getting hungry.

DAVE:
Simon. Simon!

SIMON looks at him.

DAVE:
Where are we going?

SIMON:
(beat) Norton’s.

DAVE turns and addresses the camera.

DAVE (to camera):
We hardly ever see Norton for two reasons. The first is because he lives clear across town and sometimes it can be a total hassle getting to his place and back. The second is because he’s a total slave to his computer and actually prefers to just stay home most of the time. He called me last week, insisting that we get together and do something today, which leaves me wondering if it’s got anything to do with the phone call in to the Anarchy Joe show- I’ve got no clue, seriously.

BOSHMAN (to SIMON):
You think Norton’s gonna want to come with us tonight? Cuz you know how Nicole and Norton don’t get along- she thinks he’s a nerd.

DAVE:
He is a nerd.

BOSHMAN:
(beat) So are we gonna stop for lunch? I’m hungry.

CUT TO:
INT NORTON’S ROOM, DAY

Same shot as we left off with in NORTON’S ROOM- the empty hallway. We can hear the computer keyboard being typed on, but after a moment that stops and footsteps approach. The stuffed animal gets picked up (the camera, if you will) and is placed on top of NORTON’S computer monitor. NORTON sits down with a sigh.

NORTON:
Yeah, I heard the caller on the Anarchy Joe Show, too. And yes- it did sound like me. But it wasn’t. I do have a girlfriend, though. Thing is that it’s one of those internet relationships, which is why I haven’t told the guys about it. She lives in Montreal- this is how it works.

A MAP of the world appears on the screen. A red dot shows up in Montreal and above the dot, a large picture of a WEIRD-LOOKING GIRL with thick glasses and bad teeth.

NORTON (V.O.):
She’s got an I/P router connected to an ISP in New York.

A red line connects Montreal and New York. New York is now marked by a red dot. As the speech continues, red dots appear at each place, with lines connecting them to the previously mentioned places.

NORTON (V.O.):
Now, her ISP has a Token-net T3 connection which gives her broadband access over a fiber-optic line straight into Dallas, Texas. From there we go to the Microsoft Headquarters in Seattle, where everyone who’s got Windows goes anyways because of how they spy on you. Anyways she goes through a hyper-text transfer protocol program that automatically scrambles her IP address- that’s in Tokyo. From there, her hack leads into Australia, then to some Linux servers in Rome, and then straight into my computer, where she downloads files off my computer and uses my IP address to send virus’ to the heads of various corporations around the world.

NORTON reappears and starts typing rapidly on his keyboard.

NORTON:
Wanna hear my favourite song? Brand new- just downloaded 10 minutes ago.

He hits a few more keys and some crazy techno music turns on. Really really loud.

CUT TO:
EXT NORTON’S HOUSE, DAY

The house is reverberating with music when SIMON and the gang pull up in front of it. All three of them get out, but SIMON remains at the car to address the camera while BOSHMAN and DAVE go to the front door and ring the doorbell.

SIMON:
Yeah, I’m pissed. But at this point I’m mostly pissed at the fact that I actually went out with her at all. It was like I totally ignored the fact that she was a total bitch just cuz she was hot: sorta like what Boshman’s doing with Nicole right now.

In the BG, BOSHMAN and DAVE start pounding on the door. It appears that the music is so loud that NORTON can’t hear it.

SIMON:
But I’m pretty much calmed down now, so I’ve got everything figured out: we’re gonna hang out here with Norton for an hour or so, then head downtown to the Ignatz building so I can pick up some cubes- which’ll help relax me even more, then... I dunno. Find some place to chill and then go to the Tiger Club for some partying.

In the BG, BOSHMAN turns around to face SIMON.

BOSHMAN:
What about lunch?!

SIMON (to BOSHMAN):
We’ll get lunch downtown somewhere!

BOSHMAN:
But what about money? You said you’d spot me some cash and I thought Hannah didn’t give you any!

SIMON:
I’ll still spot you!

BOSHMAN:
Can you spot Nicole, too? I said I’d pay for her cuz I didn’t wanna seem like a lame boyfriend.

SIMON opens his mouth to reply, only to be interrupted by the ringing of his cellphone. He raises it to his ear and is opening his mouth to say "hello" when we-

CUT TO:
INT BOOKSTORE LUNCHROOM, DAY

HANNAH’s sitting in the lunchroom, looking bored. She sighs and after a moment she faces the camera and starts speaking.

HANNAH:
Okay, so maybe I was a little hard on Simon. Maybe I should have given him all the money I owed him and not have been so bitter. I sort of forgot about the advantage that if I’d given him the money, it probably would have been the last time I ever saw him- whereas now, he’ll be constantly calling me and wanting his money, which means I’ll need to totally see him again someday. Which is tough, cuz I don’t really want to see him again. Ever. (beat) What went wrong? Well, he was just Simon, you know? He was a fun guy, but he just wasn’t right for me. I probably should have said something before all that... unpleasantness... But whatever. Enough about Simon- I gotta tell you about this guy I met at the club on the weekend. He said his name was Salvo- at first he was dancing with a total skank, right? And I was, like, "look at that total skank he’s dancing with", but-

The camera suddenly spins- a 180, and we see that she’s talking to the CUTE BOOK GIRL.

CUTE BOOK GIRL:
Who cares about Salvo. What about Simon?

Spin back to HANNAH.

HANNAH:
What, you got the hots for him or something? What do you wanna hear, that I feel bad about cheating on him? (beat) Well I sorta do, okay?

Spin to CUTE BOOK GIRL.

CUTE BOOK GIRL:
You don’t feel bad about cheating on him, you feel bad about getting caught.

Spin back to HANNAH.

HANNAH:
Yeah, something like that. Point is that we’re over and that’s that. (beat) What, you want his number or something? I mean, sure, he’s cute in his own little way, but relationships are too serious to him. He wants to fall in love, and on every date he was testing whether or not he was in love with me yet- probing my depths of my eyes and all that lame, romantic shit, trying to find out those totally personal things about me like how I eat oranges and what tv shows I liked while I was growing up... He’s a hopeless romantic. Hopeless because he’s never going to find a girl who’ll want to fall in love as badly as he does. Especially at this age- we’re young. We’re in the middle of the age of exploration and experimentation, the age of craziness and a wild night life. We’re not supposed to fall in love for years, not until we grow up and settle down and live nine to five and all those clich�s. I mean, in five or six years he’ll be just what a girl like me wants, but right now he’s just lost, searching for something he won’t find and too stupid to realize that he’s not gonna find it. Still think he’s cute?

Camera spins to CUTE BOOK GIRL.

CUTE BOOK GIRL:
Now he sounds even cuter!

Spin back to HANNAH.

HANNAH:
(beat) Fine. I’ll do you one better- I’ll call him and apologize and if he drops by I’ll give him the rest of his money and you can just get the number from him yourself. Deal?

Spin to CUTE BOOK GIRL.

CUTE BOOK GIRL:
Why can’t you just give me his number now?

Spin to HANNAH.

HANNAH:
I can’t just make it easier for you- I’m still bitter, remember?

CUT TO:
EXT NORTON’S HOUSE, DAY

Right where we left off, SIMON sitting in the car, BOSHMAN and DAVE at NORTON’s front door, ringing the bell and trying to get his attention.

BOSHMAN:
Can you spot Nicole, too? I said I’d pay for her cuz I didn’t wanna seem like a lame boyfriend.

SIMON opens his mouth to reply, only to be interrupted by the ringing of his cellphone. He raises it to his ear.

SIMON:
Hello?

NICOLE (on phone):
Hi, Simon- it’s Nicole. Is Boshman there?

SIMON:
Nope.

NICOLE:
Where are you guys?

SIMON:
Norton’s house.

NICOLE:
So where’s Boshman?

SIMON hangs up on her. A moment later the phone rings and SIMON obliviously picks it up.

SIMON:
Hello?

CUT TO:
INT BOOKSTORE LUNCHROOM, DAY

HANNAH sitting at the table, on her cellphone with SIMON.

HANNAH:
Simon? Look, I got your money, okay? If you wanna come pick it up, that’s fine with me.

CUT TO:
EXT NORTON’S HOUSE, DAY

SIMON hangs up the cellphone, starts the car, and drives away in a hurry. BOSHMAN and DAVE continue to bang on the door and ring the doorbell for about ten seconds before realizing that SIMON’s gone. They mill about for a short time, confused.

13. INT STUDIO, DAY

ANARCHY JOE at the controls.

ANARCHY JOE:
I’ve got to play some commercials now. Why? Because of capitalism. According to capitalism, the purpose of existing is to make money. And the station can’t make money without commercials, and can’t put me on the air. So you know what? Fuck capitalism- I urge all of you out there to boycott all of the products advertised on this station. Just to get back at the people who think that you need their cheesy wares in order to live. (beat) In fact, I’ll boycott them for you by not playing them in the first place. Next caller, you’re on the air.

NICK:
Hey, Joe. This is Nick, first time caller.

ANARCHY JOE:
What do you want, Nick? I’m having a bad morning.

NICK:
I was wondering if I could propose to my girlfriend on your show.

ANARCHY JOE:
No. (beat) That was a pretty stupid request considering my pessimistic view on relationships, Nick- I’d have hoped you would have known better. (beat) Just for that, I’m gonna make you listen to some commercials.

14. INT, BOOKSTORE LUNCHROOM, DAY

SIMON enters the lunchroom, where HANNAH’s sitting at the same table as before, flipping through a magazine.

SIMON:
Do you spend your whole day in here?

HANNAH holds up a wad of money.

HANNAH:
Here you go. Have a good rest of the day.

The CUTE BOOK GIRL walks in and HANNAH experiences what seems to be a pang of jealousy. Just as SIMON starts to turn away, HANNAH calls him back.

HANNAH:
Simon? (beat) I was thinking about how good you were to me, and I was wondering if maybe you wanted to come over to my place after work...?

SIMON looks disgusted.

SIMON:
Ew! Hell no!

SIMON turns and begins to walk away. The CUTE BOOK GIRL steps into his path and a grin appears on SIMON’s face.

SIMON:
You think I’d be able to-

The CUTE BOOK GIRL holds up a scrap of paper on which is her phone number.

CUTE BOOK GIRL:
Here you go. Call me tomorrow if you’re not too busy.

SIMON takes the scrap of paper and smiles at her.

SIMON:
What are you doing tonight?

CUTE BOOK GIRL:
Dunno yet. You have anything in mind?

SIMON:
We’re all heading to The Tiger Club to hear Anarchy Joe’s set.

The CUTE BOOK GIRL smiles sweetly.

CUTE BOOK GIRL:
I’ll see you there, then.

Smiling at the CUTE BOOK GIRL, SIMON exits the room with only a quick parting glance towards the bitter and obviously deeply-disturbed HANNAH, who looks at the CUTE BOOK GIRL and shakes her head wearily.

15. INT PINK ROOM, DAY

NICOLE’s room- the first time we really get a good look at her, and it’s not a very complimentary look- everything in her room is pink or shades of pink. There are posters of pop acts all over her walls and she’s laying on the bed on her stomach, talking to the camera. She smiles a beautiful blonde smile and the shot freezes. Text appears on the screen: "Nicole".

NICOLE:
My vision of the perfect guy? Tall, dark, handsome. All those clich�s.

A picture of LUKE PERRY appears on the screen, floating above her head. After a moment, BOSHMAN’s picture appears next to it.

NICOLE:
It’s not Boshman, if that’s what you mean. He’s a nice guy and everything. (beat) Okay, he’s a total sweetheart. But I’ll never marry him and I doubt we’ll last through the summer- especially if I hook up with Barry. Barry’s another story entirely!

Next to the picture of BOSHMAN (which is still next to the picture of LUKE PERRY), a third picture appears- a rather dumb looking jock.

NICOLE:
Barry. Now there’s a guy you can rely on to fulfill all of a girl’s deepest desires. He’s kind, compassionate, and he knows exactly how to treat a woman.

She smiles a perky little smile. The pictures of LUKE PERRY and BOSHMAN disappear, but BARRY’s picture remains.

NICOLE:
Compared to him, Boshman is worthless.

CUT TO:
EXT NORTON’S HOUSE, DAY

BOSHMAN’s still banging on the door in the BG. DAVE sits comfortably on the front lawn looking towards the camera.

DAVE:
Barry? The guy’s a total fucking nutcase. Back in high school he beat people up for just being in the same hallway as him. But Nicole- she was obsessed with the guy from the first moment she saw him. Throughout high school she was always the one to smuggle alcohol into class for him or help him with his homework or cheating on tests or whatever. In thanks he gave her the occasional ride home from school. She just loved getting everyone’s attention sitting shotgun in his car, driving past the front of the school, past all the people who knew that not a single bone in Barry’s body would ever truly acknowledge her existence.

CUT TO:
EXT SCHOOL, DAY

We see BARRY for the first time. He’s big and pretty well- muscled, and the look on his face seems to be one of a man always on the brink of exploding with rage. He’s got long, dark hair, which he’s adjusting in the rear view mirror of his Firebird as he drives slowly past the front of the school after classes. NICOLE’s in the passenger seat with her window rolled all the way down, staring at everyone as though she were a queen. Suddenly CALVIN runs into frame, his face up in the air as he’s about to catch a football. He slams into BARRY’s Firebird with his hip and tumbles onto the hood. His elbow slams up against the windshield and cracks it wide open a split second before a football hits him square in the chest. He’s writhing around in pain on the hood holding his elbow as BARRY lurches from the car, his face warped by anger.

BARRY:
You stupid fucker! You broke my windshield!

CALVIN’s in extreme pain but BARRY grabs him by the collars anyway and tosses him on the street. CALVIN’s huddled in the fetal position as BARRY kicks him a few times and then grabs the football off the hood and throws it at CALVIN with vehemence. A distance away, we can see BOSHMAN, SIMON, and RIX all standing around. While BARRY’s continuing his spasm of rage, DAVE’s V.O. comes in.

DAVE (V.O.):
She started going out with Boshman because she thought they were friends and she wanted to make Barry jealous. She figured jealousy would motivate him to reveal all of his true feelings for her or something, I guess. Why she assumed Boshman and Barry were friends?

CUT TO:
EXT BASEBALL DIAMOND, DAY

Flashback to high school. Gym class, playing baseball. BARRY’s in the outfield, BOSHMAN’s at the plate. The pitch; the swing. The ball flying high through the air and BARRY yawning, not paying any attention to the game whatsoever. NICOLE suddenly runs on the field, oblivious to the game that’s going on. She stands next to BARRY, smiling sweetly while staring at him with a look that would melt most men’s hearts.

NICOLE:
Hey, Barry.

BARRY looks at her blankly for a moment. This is the exact moment that the baseball falls from the sky and hits NICOLE in the side of her head. She collapses on the ground in an instantly unconscious heap. BARRY snaps into action- he picks the ball up and throws it towards first base, where BOSHMAN gets called "out". Third out- the teams start switching positions. BARRY walks towards the infield without a second look at NICOLE. BOSHMAN, his face full of worry, runs out to check on NICOLE, who looks very alone laying in the middle of the empty outfield. She wakes up and sees BOSHMAN looking down on her. He smiles at her. She smiles back. Romantic music starts to play. DAVE walks onto the scene, baseball glove in hand. He addresses the camera with only a quick look towards BOSHMAN, who’s helping NICOLE to her feet.

DAVE:
See, she went unconscious thinking about Barry and when she woke up, the first thing she saw was Boshman. So she somehow made the connection in her mind that in order to get Barry, she had to go out with Boshman. She hoped Barry would fall into a jealous rage and admit his true feelings for her, and sure enough, that’s exactly what he did a few days later.

NICOLE gets to her feet, only to clutch her head, grow weak in the knees, and suddenly fall down again.

CUT TO:
EXT SCHOOL, DAY

NICOLE walks out the front of the school holding BOSHMAN’s hand- the two are a happy couple although BOSHMAN seems a little out of his league. BARRY’s standing nearby, chatting to some friends and smoking a joint.

NICOLE:
Hi, Barry!

BARRY:
Hey.

NICOLE turns to BOSHMAN with an excited grin.

NICOLE:
It’s working! He’s totally jealous!

BOSHMAN:
Huh?

NICOLE:
Nothing.

The two walk on, an eternally happy couple.

CUT TO:
EXT NORTON’S HOUSE, DAY

DAVE sits on the front lawn while BOSHMAN stands at the front porch, banging his head against the door in annoyance. Music’s still pounding out of the house- still the same song, too. DAVE addresses the camera.

DAVE:
Funny girl, Nicole. She’s been going out with Boshman for six months and in all that time she hasn’t really picked up that we can’t stand her. Boshman probably gets sick of her sometimes (how can he not, right?), but that’s a whole different story. See, Nicole is Boshman’s first real girlfriend. Before her, all he had was this weird obsession with some girl from his past.

BOSHMAN suddenly turns around.

BOSHMAN:
Hey Dave, what are you talking about?

DAVE (to BOSHMAN):
Christine. How you knew her for, like, a week at summer camp and you were convinced that you two would meet again, but never did. And you were obsessed with her for, what, three, four years?

BOSHMAN:
Don’t tell them about that!

DAVE:
You still think about her?

BOSHMAN walks over and sits down on the lawn next to DAVE.

BOSHMAN:
(beat) Yeah, every now and then. I still get the feeling like we were just... I dunno. Meant to be. It was probably just that I got a small taste of love and it was just too overpowering. I couldn’t take it so for the longest time it was still rushing through my blood.

CUT TO:
INT BLUE ROOM, DAY

CHRISTINE lays on her stomach on her bed and she appears to be the exact opposite of NICOLE. Her room is all blue, and she’s got dark hair and cute glasses. She’s reading a science textbook and is taking some notes. She looks about the room suddenly, as if distracted, and she sort of shivers, then looks at us.

CHRISTINE:
Funny thing, really- it happens every now and then. I get this weird shiver up my spine or something, and this weird feeling, like... Like love, but not from anyone or anything in particular although I can tell it’s directed at me. Or something. There was this guy I knew once, years ago at a summer camp- and every time I get that shiver, he pops into my mind. I can’t possibly guess why. I mean, I don’t even remember his name. (beat) I had this weird dream about him a while back, though. Back at camp he used to pick his nose and he’d put whatever he pulled out onto the tip of his finger and then try and stick it in my hair- the little bastard. I had a crush on him, I think, that’s why I was so disgusted when he’d do that thing with his snot. Anyways, in this dream, he was doing that, but then he suddenly grew up and he was in love with me. And in the dream, I was in love with him. And I asked him his name because I still couldn’t remember it, and he said the weirdest thing.

CUT TO:
ECU BOSHMAN’S MOUTH, but with various softening effects and the like to give it the unearthly look of a dream.

BOSHMAN (whisper):
Floss-man...

CUT TO:
INT, BLUE ROOM, DAY

CHRISTINE on her bed.

CHRISTINE:
Floss-man? What the fuck is that, eh? I hate dreams that end like that. But anyways, every now and again, I get this shiver and he pops into my head and I can’t help but wondering where that little bastard’s gone to, and how he’s turned out now that he’s grown up.

She grins.

CHRISTINE:
It’s silly, I know. But I wonder what he’s doing right now...

CUT TO:
EXT NORTON’S HOUSE, DAY

DAVE’s still in the forefront, sitting on the grass facing us, while BOSHMAN’s standing on the front porch of the house, behind him.

BOSHMAN:
I wonder what she’s doing right now...?

DAVE (sarcastically):
She’s probably lounging about somewhere, wondering what the hell you’re doing right now. Seriously- why the hell is Norton’s music up that loud? He just keeps playing that one song over and over, it’s so annoying! And where the fuck did Simon go!?

16. INT CAR, DAY

SIMON’s driving around through an endless maze of suburbia. ANARCHY JOE’s on the radio.

ANARCHY JOE:
And now, cuz I’m hungry, and cuz it’s been a whole ten minutes, another airing of "The Box". Enjoy.

SIMON:
About time.

SIMON turns up the volume as he cruises through the suburbs. He’s looking quite happy as the music really comes in, and he’s getting really into it until he slows down for a stop sign and notices three people- a mother, a father, and a son. They’re all wearing formal clothes. Quick ZOOM IN on the son, who looks angry. Freeze-frame with text: "RiX". As soon as the freeze-frame lets up, RIX notices SIMON and grins brightly.

RIX:
Simon!

SIMON reaches over and unlocks his passenger door with a grin. He’s been through this before. RIX slowly, patiently walks over and without a question gets in to the car. SIMON drives away from the curb as quickly as the car will allow him, leaving a bit of a cloud of dust. RIX’s parents stare after him in annoyance.

SIMON:
Yo, Rix! ‘Sup! I thought you had to work today.

RIX grins maniacally.

RIX:
Got it off. Had to go to my grandfather’s funeral.

SIMON:
Alright, then- I thought you had to go to your grandfather’s funeral today.

RIX:
Skipping it. Didn’t want to go anyways. That’s why I’m in the monkey suit.

RIX is a hyper-active kid, constantly moving, a total skater punk.

SIMON:
Of course.

RIX:
So anything happening today?

SIMON:
Gonna drive to Norton’s house and pick up Boshman and Dave. Then we’re heading downtown for some cubes.

RIX:
(beat) Wanna go downtown and then go pick up Boshman and Dave at Norton’s house? I’m hungry.

SIMON:
Grab lunch downtown? That’s cool. (beat) What if your parents track us down like last time?

RIX:
Huh? Oh, I won’t be able to go with them anyways. I lost my suit jacket.

But he’s still wearing his suit jacket and just as SIMON’s about to point this out, he tears it off as though it’s on fire, crumples it up, and tosses it out the window.

CUT TO:
INT TOP FLOOR OBSERVATION DECK, DAY

50 floors up. Floor-to-ceiling windows. Lots of couches. A coffee bar. SIMON and RIX get off the elevator and enter the deserted observation deck. SIMON’s veers towards the coffee bar and RIX starts wandering. We follow him and he begins addressing the camera as he’s walking.

RIX:
It’s not that I have particularly bad parents or anything, it’s more that I lack discipline. But it’s just as well that I didn’t go to the funeral- last one I went to they got mad at me for hitting on some chick- but seriously, was it my fault they didn’t tell me that she was a cousin I’d never met before? Anyways, seeing Simon was fat, and I’m not going to mock fate by sticking with plan A. Think my folks are angry? Yeah. But they’ll get over it, and I’ll have a hell of a good time! It’s a win-win situation.

RIX sighs, suddenly sad.

RIX:
I only wish that Ann was here. She died in a mountain climbing accident last January.

CUT TO:
BACKYARD BBQ, DAY

Some people are having a barbecue- there’s some frisbee playing in the background, and some cheesy rock music playing. GAS is wandering around in the background, still wearing his sandwich board which reads "Gas is Murder". And seated at a picnic table in the forefront of the screen there sits a pretty girl with red hair. Text appears next to her: "Ann". ANN addresses the camera.

ANN:
Mountain climbing accident? Yeah, that’s what he tells everyone. He’s just too scared to admit that I actually broke up with him. I don’t mind, though. He can tell people whatever he wants- as long as he quits doing it in public. Last time I ran into him at the mall he spotted me and some of his friends started being, like, "oh, Ann? I thought she died!" and so he had to keep his lie alive and he started hugging me and shouting things like, "you’re alive!" and shit. Everyone in the mall was staring at me like I was some kinda big joke, it was terrible.

CUT TO:
TOP FLOOR OBSERVATION DECK, DAY

RIX is leaning against one of the windows which features a fantastic view of the city.

RIX:
God rest her loving soul. She loved me to the end, ya know. She never gave up on me even when I was going through tough times.

RIX wanders away and the camera wanders around the observation deck until it finds SIMON at the coffee bar, talking to a cute COFFEE CHICK who looks almost identical to the HOT CHICK pictured in the poster on CALVIN’s ceiling.

SIMON:
How much for twenty green?

COFFEE CHICK:
You know I can’t sell you twenty, Simon. That’s the point where it becomes illegal.

SIMON:
Fine. How about I buy one, consume it right here in front of you, and then buy nineteen more?

COFFEE CHICK:
That’s cool. It’s a hundred bucks for the nineteen, and I’ll charge you seven for the single. Including the coffee, you owe me... A hundred and ten.

SIMON:
That’s cool.

He counts out the money and lays it on the counter.

SIMON
Got any red in stock?

COFFEE CHICK:
Ten bucks a piece. I don’t have too many, though- high demand on the weekend, you know?

SIMON:
Gimme ten of those, too.

SIMON counts out another hundred bucks. The COFFEE CHICK puts a single little green cube on the counter- SIMON’s party drug of choice. It gleams with a dull shine as SIMON pops it into his mouth. When the COFFEE CHICK turns away to count out more cubes from under the counter, SIMON takes the cube out of his mouth and puts it in one of his pockets. The COFFEE CHICK stands up and places a tube with 19 green cubes in it on the counter and counts out ten little red cubes.

COFFEE GIRL:
Nice doing business with you, Simon, as always.

SIMON sweeps all the cubes on the counter into the palm of his hand with a grin and then tucks them into an inside pocket. The camera wanders to find RIX staring out the window, straight down.

RIX:
Hey, Simon? I think I left your car door open.

SIMON approaches.

SIMON:
What, like unlocked, or open?

RIX:
We’d better go to ground.

CUT TO:
EXT PARKING LOT, DAY

SIMON and RIX stand next to the car in awe. The inside is totally trashed and a window’s broken.

SIMON:
They left the radio, but they ripped off the car lighter. Who the fuck steals a car lighter and leaves the radio?

RIX:
Didn’t you leave your cellphone in there, too?

SIMON:
Aw, fuck!

17. INT STUDIO, DAY

ANARCHY JOE at the controls, leaning back in his chair and looking quite relaxed.

ANARCHY JOE:
The world is a funny thing, isn’t it? Just when everything’s going great, it all falls apart in an instant and some kind of new problem is thrown at you. But that doesn’t have to happen any longer, cuz I’m going to give all of you the opportunity of a lifetime, the chance to break free from the world of the metropolis. As soon as I’m done my shift I’m gonna be getting out of town for a few days. I’m gonna find a place in the woods and I’m gonna set up a tent and read some comic books. I’ll listen to "The Box" on my headphones and I’ll piss and shit in a hole. Why? Because the rat-race of life is wearing thin. I’m getting sick of room-mates who don’t appreciate ad-libbed art and I’m sick of motorists who’re always in a hurry to get nowhere. I’m sick of people that think they’re better than others, who believe themselves superior without any real reason. I’m sick of public transportation and the hundreds of masks that people put on. They way people are so quiet and hostile these days, trying to send a message of primitive territoriality to everyone else. I’m sick of smelling the city and its corruption and pain. So I’m gonna go to the middle of nowhere to find some inner peace. I’ll be calmer. More relaxed. Enlightened. And you’re all welcome to join me. (beat) Caller, what do you have to say about that?

NICOLE:
Hi, Joe. This is Nicole.

ANARCHY JOE:
What do you think about my idea, Nicole?

NICOLE:
Idea? No, I’m calling about my boyfriend.

ANARCHY JOE:
What, you want some advice?

NICOLE:
No, actually I was wondering why he hasn’t called me yet- he was supposed to get a hold of me an hour ago and didn’t, and I forgot Simon’s cellphone number.

ANARCHY JOE:
Simon’s your boyfriend?

NICOLE:
No, he’s one of my boyfriend’s friends.

ANARCHY JOE:
(beat) And where do I fit into this equation, Nicole?

NICOLE:
He listens to you constantly. Him and his friends worship you for some reason- so I figured if I call in, I can tell him on the air to call me: Boshman! Call me! Why haven’t you called me yet? Tell Simon that-

ANARCHY JOE:
What do you think of the great outdoors, Nicole?

NICOLE:
Huh? Oh, um... It’s disgusting. There are bugs and stuff.

ANARCHY JOE:
Bugs and stuff?

NICOLE:
Yeah, and it’s gross. If I don’t take a shower every morning, I smell like shit for the rest of the day, I swear.

ANARCHY JOE:
You know what the smell is, Nicole? It’s the smell of humanity’s past. Four hundred years ago, when there were still frontiers left to explore.

NICOLE:
Back when everyone lived to be thirty years old?

ANARCHY JOE:
No, when everyone had ideals. I’m curious as to what sort of guy you’re going out with... If you and your boyfriend were out in the woods, what do you think he would do?

NICOLE:
Um... I dunno. Probably go fishing. He’d catch some little 2-pound fish and try and get me to eat it, and then a bear would attack us or something.

ANARCHY JOE:
(beat) I’m hanging up on you now, Nicole.

NICOLE:
I--

Her voice cuts off abruptly. He’s hung up on her.

18. EXT NORTON’S HOUSE, DAY

BOSHMAN’s in the background, ringing the doorbell on NORTON’s loud house. DAVE’s sitting on the lawn looking extremely relaxed when SIMON’s car pulls up in front. DAVE nods as SIMON and RIX get out of the car.

DAVE:
Simon. Rix.

SIMON:
Hey.

RIX:
Boshman!

BOSHMAN spins around.

BOSHMAN:
Rix!

RIX runs to the front porch and starts banging on the door, flailing his limbs. BOSHMAN rings the doorbell with greater ferocity. SIMON sits down on the grass next to DAVE.

SIMON:
Sorry I took off on you guys. Hannah called and said she had my money and I wasn’t really thinking straight.

DAVE:
Whatever.

SIMON:
I’m gonna have a cube. You want one?

DAVE:
No, thanks.

SIMON pops the little green cube into his mouth and swallows it whole. A moment passes before DAVE turns to regard the camera.

DAVE (to camera):
Little green cubes, the best of the legal drugs- the best because it’s all natural, legal because the authorities haven’t caught on yet. Takes about five minutes to kick in and lasts upwards of five hours. Don’t want to be under the influence anymore? Just drink some pop or eat some candy- sugar seems to neutralize it in a matter of minutes. Only real drawback is that your body tends to flush the toxins out pretty fast. If you pop one at noon, by eight you’re gonna have to piss really really badly. And when you’re pissing, I swear it takes forever. If you pop a couple in the clubs, you’d better hope you’re a light sleeper and that you haven’t mixed green with red, otherwise you’re gonna release your bowels in your sleep and you’re gonna stain your mattress- an uncomfortable place which I will admit, under duress, to having visited before.

SIMON:
I lost my cellphone.

DAVE:
Hmm? How?

SIMON:
Car got broken into.

DAVE:
You can always call the cellphone and see what happens.

SIMON:
Maybe later.

He slumps back against the grass and sighs.

DAVE:
You gotta cut back on the cubes, man. The last thing you wanna do is end up like Calvin.

SIMON:
What’s so bad about Calvin?

CUT TO:
INT MESSY ROOM, DAY

CALVIN lays on his bed, his eyes wide but unfocused, his hair unkempt and scraggly, ANARCHY JOE on the radio. Slow ZOOM IN from directly above. Little green cubes are scattered around CALVIN, in little groups on the folds of his sheets, a few dozen of them in all. Slow ZOOM IN from above.

ANARCHY JOE:
Praise be to the little green cube. Let all those who’re ignorant have the light of illumination shone into their eyes. Let all those who are chronic grow happy smiles and never have a care again. Except for me- cuz I’m taking the pre-requisite 19 with me when I go camping and though I really wanna have one now, if I do, a big chunk of my show will just be nonsense and then I’ll get really tired near the end and play "The Box" on repeat for four hours like last week- which landed me in some trouble, as I’m sure you can imagine.

CUT TO:
EXT NORTON’S HOUSE, DAY

SIMON and DAVE on the lawn.

DAVE:
Nothing’s wrong with Calvin- except that he pops half a dozen cubes a day, sometimes more. He used to be the smartest and most driven out of all of us, remember?

SIMON:
Vaguely.

DAVE:
He was the smartest guy I’ve ever known. Now look at him.

CUT TO:

CALVIN’S POV

Music’s playing. We can hear CALVIN’s breath and his heartbeat. We see the ceiling, on which there’s a picture of a HOT CHICK. She’s moving very very slowly. Almost a sort of dance. We slowly ZOOM IN on her. She suddenly straightens, looks around, and walks to her left- leaving the poster entirely. Suddenly ANARCHY JOE is replaced by the incessant beeping of an alarm clock.

CUT TO:
EXT NORTON’S HOUSE, DAY

DAVE and SIMON on the front lawn, same shot as before. RIX approaches from behind.

RIX:
Hey, Dave. Boshman needs a lift so that he can see into Norton’s room around back.

DAVE:
You can’t give it to him?

RIX:
I’m too damn scrawny.

DAVE:
Alright.

DAVE stands and walks into the BG, where he confers with BOSHMAN for a few moments before the two of them walk around the side of the house and disappear from view. RIX sits down next to SIMON who suddenly gets a silly grin on his face and seems to go limp, laying back on the lawn without a word. RIX stares at him for a moment or two.

RIX:
Simon.

No response.

RIX:
Simon!

SIMON:
Piss off, I’m tripping.

RIX:
Well, you’re gonna be useless to society for a few hours now, aren’t ya?

SIMON (quietly):
Ya got any suntan lotion? It’s so fucking hot.

CUT TO:
MESSY ROOM, DAY

CALVIN leaps about his room frantically, torn from his dreams and obviously suffering because of it. His eyes are wild- they seem to scan every surface, every plane, before suddenly settling on the bedside table, on which sits a single glass of pop. He quickly gulps it down and stands stoically for a few moments. His eyes slowly seem to gain some clarity and his posture relaxes.

CALVIN (to camera):
A three-hour trip every morning is guaranteed to start the day off right.

He looks at the clock. It reads "3:07". CALVIN snorts.

CALVIN:
Perfect time to start partying!

There’s a phone next to the clock radio and he picks it up and dials a number.

CUT TO:
INT BARRY’S CAR, DAY

BARRY, the jock who NICOLE is obsessed with, is driving a really sweet car. A cellphone on the seat next to him rings: a cellphone with an "Anarchy Joe" sticker on the back. BARRY picks it up.

BARRY:
Barry’s phone, Barry speaking.

CALVIN:
Oh, I’m sorry, I’m calling for Simon?

BARRY:
There’s no Simon here. Just me. Barry.

CALVIN:
...Barry?

BARRY:
Who is this?

CUT TO:
INT MESSY ROOM, DAY

CALVIN hangs up the phone, confusion on his face.

CALVIN:
Barry..?

He ponders for a few moments before picking up the phone and dialing a different number.

CUT TO:
INT PINK ROOM, DAY

NICOLE’s sitting on her pink bed. It looks like she’s taking some test in a magazine. A pink phone next to the bed rings and she picks it up.

NICOLE:
Boshman, it’s about time you called me.

CALVIN:
It’s Calvin.

NICOLE:
Oh, hey Cal. What’s up?

CALVIN:
Do you know where the guys are?

NICOLE:
Norton’s house, last time I talked to them.

CALVIN:
Alright, thanks.

NICOLE:
Hey, tell them to call me!

CALVIN:
Will do.

CUT TO:
INT MESSY ROOM, DAY

CALVIN hangs up the phone, then picks it up and dials another number.

CUT TO:
INT NORTON’S ROOM, DAY

Same camera shot as we left with in NORTON’S room- camera on top of the computer screen in the room illuminated by blue-ish monitor light. The music’s on as loud as ever. NORTON’s in the middle of the room, dancing (badly) to the music. We can see a phone on the desk and a red light on it flashes, but the music’s so loud that we can’t even hear it ringing.

CUT TO:
EXT NORTON’S HOUSE, DAY

RIX sitting on the lawn, addressing the camera. SIMON’s passed out next to him.

RIX:
Since I was a kid I’ve always admired people who’ve the courage to just do and say what they want. That’s why I’m the wild and crazy guy of the group, the one who can get away with anything, such as right now- ditching my grandfather’s funeral. But, I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m not gonna make any excuses like, "I only met him twice" or "we weren't that close" or whatever- cuz that’s what’s expected of me, and it’s total bullshit anyways, so let’s just be honest, eh? I’m ditching a funeral so I can party with my friends. So what? I’m the crazy guy, remember? I’m the class clown in detention for mooning the cheerleaders. I’m the guy who everyone’s talking about cuz I got really drunk and vomited on one of the teachers at the prom. I’m the one who’s grown into the sort of person I’ve always wanted to grow into. I’ve got confidence. I’ve got charisma. I’m totally fucking clueless and you can’t even tell. I’m such a perfect picture of who I want to be that I’ve been reduced to a caricature of myself and I’m now craving something else. Not a serious life or respectability or responsibility or any of that... I’m just craving... I dunno. Being taken seriously for once, maybe. I want to be able to get in a conversation with someone about politics or something- and for once not have them suddenly look at me and go, "hey, you’re the guy who put the magic mushrooms in the cafeteria soup that one time, right?" Yeah, I’m the class clown. That’s me. I’m the one who’s in detention for some practical jokes that went too far. I’m the one who can never be taken seriously because I have no credibility. That’s me. That’s why I made the decision to settle down a bit and change my image. It started out as a New Year’s resolution and I’ve kept it going all the way to now, July, and I’ve gotta say that I’ve been steadily getting better and better at this whole "maturity" thing. I’ve only let loose a few times, and whenever I’ve been partying I’ve imposed a two-drink limit so that I don’t totally embarrass myself some more. I wrote some poetry. It was really bad poetry and nothing rhymed worth shit, but it helped. Hell, I even started wearing a suit and tie to school every day. For a little while, at least. And now? (beat) Now I’m skipping my grandfather's funeral. But that’s only because it’s summer- one of those endless immortal days when all bets are off- hedonism’s all that matters, although there’s nothing wrong with a little bit of controlled hedonism, if you get my drift... But I’ve been away from the party for so long that I’ve started to forget what I’ve been trying to avoid. And if I embarrass myself this time around...? Well at least I won’t be the only one, and it’ll be the first time in a long time rather than just another day.

SIMON raises a little green cube to his mouth as he’s laying on the grass. He’s about to drop it in when RIX lightly slaps his hand. The little green cube hits SIMON’s cheek and rolls onto the grass.

SIMON:
Awww...

RIX:
What the fuck do you need another one for?

SIMON moans and giggles a bit, but makes no move to retrieve the cube. RIX grabs the cube and pops it into his mouth just as DAVE comes around the house and approaches the duo.

DAVE:
Curtains were shut. We should just leave soon, this place is a drag.

SIMON lets out a laugh.

SIMON:
At least I’m not like Calvin, he says...

RIX:
I never said that. And you’re not at all like Calvin- you don’t babble on about nothing for hours.

19. INT CALVIN’S CAR, DAY

CALVIN’s talking to us from the passenger seat of his moving car. That’s right, the passenger seat. Just a little unexplainable something which seems to be happening. Fortunately, the car seems to be driving alright, negotiating turns and all that without a single problem. Some good msuic is on the radio.

CALVIN:
Life, for me, has always been a challenge. But not because of insurmountable odds or anything like that- simply because I want it to be a challenge. It makes it far more interesting that way. Take right now for example. I’m going out with three chicks. Why? Cuz you learn more from chaos then you do from order. They’re all really hot, too. Hey! I had this dream last night that had one of them in it! I was walking around in this sewer and everything stank really bad, so I explored for a bit and rounded a corner and I found a little convenience store and I bought some beef jerky and while I was eating it I was suddenly in my old high school, standing around in a hallways on a skateboard. So there was one of my three girlfriends asking me to do a trick, so I did and this hot chick appeared. And so I kept doing tricks and more and more chicks started appearing, but then I woke up and my pillow was gone.

CUT TO:
INT STUDIO, DAY

He’s playing some music, so ANARCHY JOE’s got his feet up on the control board and his head tilted back, a cowboy hat covering his face. He’s snoring loudly.

CUT TO:
INT MUSIC STORE, DAY

EVE is leaning up against the counter behind a couple of cash registers. Her nametag reads "Unlimited Girl". She’s looking at the camera and seems rather hyperactive, maybe a little ditzy, too. She’s got short, blonde hair and is pretty, though. Text on screen: "Eve".

EVE:
Yeah, Calvin’s my boyfriend. I think he’s cheating on me, though. And in any case, he’s a little weird. He always falls into these trances. And at the beginning of every date he has to go to the bathroom a couple of times, and he takes forever, it’s totally fucked up. Then he tends to get really hyper as the date goes on, it’s like this tradition he has or something. Yeah.

The camera spins 180-degrees, much like it did in the bookstore. It spins to reveal a BORED GUY with a nametag that reads: "Utopia".

BORED GUY:
Are you done? I’ve got some work to do.

180 back to EVE.

EVE:
Huh? Anyways, we’ve been going out for about three months now. I’m thinking if he doesn’t clean up his act, I’ll break up with him. Or threaten to.

EVE gasps suddenly.

EVE:
I know! I should cheat on him back!

180 back to BORED GUY.

BORED GUY:
Shouldn’t you be restocking "The Box" or something?

180 back to EVE.

EVE:
I know, isn’t he though? He said he’d pick me up for supper after work, then go meet his friends at the Tiger Club. He’s got this one friend, though, Boshman. He’s a little weird. Kinda stupid. But he’s got a really cool girlfriend, uh... Nicole. She’s great to party with, even though I’ve only met her, like, three times or something.

180 back to BORED GUY.

BORED GUY:
Uh, someone’s at your till.

180 back to EVE, who grins maniacally.

EVE:
Hey, maybe if I dump Calvin I’ll go out with you. You’re a good listener.

180 back to BORED GUY, whose eyes suddenly go wide.

BORED GUY:
Please, for the love of God, no!

20. EXT NORTON’S HOUSE, DAY

RIX and SIMON are laying down on the front lawn. BOSHMAN’s sittin’ behind SIMON and RIX a bit, the tube of little green cubes at his side. He’s staring at his hands in amazement, obviously under the influence of the cube. DAVE’s sitting in the car, his feet up on the dashboard. The same song still plays from NORTON’S HOUSE. Birds chirp in the distance and a slight breeze blows. Suburbia is dead. A few long moments pass before SIMON suddenly sits up, his eyes lucid and his body ready for action. On the street, BARRY drives past, a cellphone pressed to his ear, the "Anarchy Joe" sticker plainly visible. SIMON takes note of the fact that it’s BARRY.

SIMON:
Barry. Huh...

From inside NORTON’S HOUSE, the music suddenly cuts of. A few moments pass while SIMON remains alert. The front door of NORTON’S HOUSE suddenly opens and NORTON emerges from within, blinking in the sunlight.

NORTON:
Hey, guys. Been here long?

SIMON, DAVE, and BOSHMAN all turn to shoot him blank looks while RIX remains laying down on the lawn.

NORTON:
What? Oh, uh, Calvin just called. He said that he tried to call you, but every time he called, Barry, that guy we went to high school with, answered your phone.

SIMON stands and runs to his car.

SIMON:
My cellphone!

He runs to his car and gets in, starting up the engine with a roar.

SIMON:
Barry’s got my cellphone, come on!

Everyone (save NORTON, who’s still standing at the front of the house, looking perplexed) piles into the car, last of all BOSHMAN, who’s grinning a strange little grin.