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The Time is Finally Here Enjoy and Think INT-JIM'S LIVING ROOM Darwin, Roach and Ryan are sitting in Jim's living room. DARWIN Where's Jim? RYAN In bed where I should be. Jim appears at the door JIM What in the hell are you lot doing here? DARWIN You said come round. JIM I didn't mean this soon in the day. DARWIN What do you mean you have missed the best part of the day. JIM And you sound like my fucking mother. DARWIN Where is your mom? JIM How in the hell should I know. DARWIN She is your mom. JIM Whatever. Next time you come round this early in the morning make less noise I thought I was been robbed if I new it was you fuckers I would have stop in bed. RYAN How can you stop in bed when we have some fine pussy coming round in a bit. JIM We don't know any fine pussy. Hell we don't even no some nice girl. RYAN You'll think it's fine when I tell you. JIM OK impress me. RYAN We have on the totty watch Tiffany Vicky Louise and Kerry JIM Louise, Why do it to me. I could just do with a day off. RYAN You love me for it. DARWIN Why ask kerry she no longer holds any mystery. RYAN She does she fancies one of us. JIM Please not me again. RYAN It's not you it's mister no fuck. ROACH I've had sex/ DARWIN Did you still have you pants on? ROACH Yes but. RYAN No but's Roach you haven't had sex but you will when kerry gets her hands on you. JIM Do we have any fags? RYAN Only Roach. ROACH Funny. JIM I'm going to the shop you lot coming? EXT-STREET Jim, Darwin, Ryan and Ron are walking to the shop DARWIN So, if Louise offers it to you today are you going to take it. JIM I don't know. I don't want just another anybody I want a somebody. DARWIN I thought Louise was that person for you. It's what you've been telling us for the past 4 years. JIM What if I'm wrong? DARWIN Are you ever wrong? JIM I haven't been yet but it has to happen one day. DARWIN But if you are not and you miss out you'll kick yourself for the next 10 years. JIM It doesn't matter anyway she doesn't like me. I had hoped, I willed it to happen but if she doesn't then she doesn't. I can't do anything about it. DARWIN True but if she is talking to you then you have a chance. JIM Point taken. Zak walks up ZAK What point? DARWIN You have a chance with any woman if they are talking to you. ZAK I only need them to listen. JIM If she doesn't like me then she doesn't, talking won't change it. ZAK Stop talking crap Jim or should we call you mister no shag? JIM Suck my dick ass monkey. You coming round? ZAK Might do I've got to go and see a lady about a shag. See you in a while. DARWIN Later man. Zak walks off ROACH What time is she coming? RYAN You mean what time are you cumming? ROACH I can work that out if you tell me what time she is coming. RYAN You just going to add 5 minutes. ROACH Something like that, I was going to add 8 you know for the foreplay. RYAN You want to get the four play out of the way first. ROACH And how do I do that? RYAN Text. DARWIN What shit you telling him now? RYAN I'm telling him he should get the four play out of the way first by texting her. JIM That is fucking lame. Texting is the work of the devil. RYAN Why? JIM I sent this one text to a girl I put the wrong word in it and that was the last time she spoke to me. RYAN What did you say? JIM I can't remember. RYAN You can you always can remember. You try to tell us that you can but we all no you never forget a thing. JIM I said is and not isn't. DARWIN Ass monkey. Look there she is. (pointing at Louise) You love her. JIM Does know one sleep in this town? DARWIN Not when their are having hot wild sex. JIM She doesn't have wild sex with anyone. DARWIN She does its what they do. JIM If she did she'd tell me, we talk. DARWIN I'm going to ask her. The girls are walking down the street towards the lads Louise, Tiffany and Vicky and Kerry RYAN Hi Vicky. VICKY Hi. RYAN What you doing? VICKY Stuff you know. RYAN If you come round later we might get it on. VICKY Might. RYAN Later. Ryan, Darwin and Ron walk off down the shop. LOUISE Hi. JIM Don't people ever sleep? LOUISE I haven't been to sleep yet. JIM You been going at it? LOUISE It's none of your business who or what I've been fucking. JIM What, I think that sums them up. LOUISE You really piss me off. JIM And you love me for it. LOUISE You are so up your own ass. JIM It's better than having a vocabulary of three words like most of your boyfriends. LOUISE For what we do, they don't need to know anymore. JIM You mean it's only about sex? LOUISE It's about what's good. JIM And is it? LOUISE Is it what? JIM Is it good? LOUISE I enjoy a good filling. JIM Whatever. LOUISE Might see you later. Louise walks off and Jim walks off after the others RYAN And why didn't you say anything to Kerry? ROACH The chance didn't come up. RYAN You have to make it happen. ROACH I just can't do it like you. RYAN What do you mean? ROACH I mean the way you said that to Vicky. RYAN Said what? ROACH About getting some later. RYAN I said it cause I didn't mean it. ROACH What if she thinks you did. RYAN It doesn't matter if she thinks I meant it. ROACH Why? RYAN Cause it's fun and that's what it's all about. Jim walks up DARWIN Been on the pull Jim? JIM I don't know why I bother. RYAN Cause you want to get in to her pants. JIM It's not the only reason. DARWIN But the main one. JIM It is on my mind Brain walk runs past them JIM(CONT'D) I didn't know you were working today. BRAIN Don't get me started. The boss said I had to work. DARWIN And you came to work because? BRAIN I need the £3.50 an hour. JIM If you do get away then come round. BRAIN What you doing then? DARWIN Not what but who? BRAIN Who's fucking whom? DARWIN Roach the lady killer is going in to the triangle of pleasure. BRAIN You're fucking me who would go near him. DARWIN Have a wild guess. BRAIN I don't know, err, I don't know anyone who would. ROACH I don't know why every one finds it so funny that some one might want to sleep with me. BRAIN I've got it, its Kerry. DARWIN The only slapper bigger enough to do it. BRAIN Are you paying her? DARWIN Well that's the odd part she wants him. BRAIN No way? DARWIN Way BRAIN I've got to run later. Ryan, Darwin, Jim and Ron carry on walking to the Lug comes up to them JIM What the fuck are you doing back? LUG Louise. DARWIN Just let it go. JIM You know how it works you treat her right or. LUG You can't do fuck all she likes me that is why when ever I come back she takes me back. JIM And when you leave she comes to me and I have to hold her together. LUG What can I say she likes sucking me off. JIM You are not listening to what I'm saying. LUG She can't get enough of my dick and do you know why she likes it. DARWIN You are going to tell us it's the monster size of it. LUG Yes. JIM Don't hurt her this time, please she can't take it. LUG I will do what I want. DARWIN Jim come on. JIM If you think she wants you that much why don't you come round later on. LUG I might do. Lug walks off. DARWIN Why ask him to come round? JIM I need to know. DARWIN Know what? JIM If she does like him. DARWIN And if she does? JIM Then she does. DARWIN But won't that hurt you? JIM I'll tell you after it's happen. Ext-Street Louise, Kerry Tiffany and Vicky are walking up the road. LOUISE So are you really going to fuck Roach? KERRY Might do. TIFFANY Doesn't it bother you he has a small dick. KERRY He said it was cause it was cold. TIFFANY They were mean taking his towel off and letting us all see his little general. KERRY It would be fun to find out it's real size. LOUISE You really like him I can see it in your eyes. TIFFANY Don't you need big dick? KERRY I just like the cock. LOUISE I always like a good filling. VICKY Kerry aren't you with Rob. KERRY I'm always going out with Rob. We are in an open relationship. When I'm not getting any I go back to him. VICKY So you are free do any one then. KERRY If I want to. TIFFANY Louise are you going to do Jim? LOUISE You never know what is going to happen after a couple of drinks. VICKY Are you saying you don't have sex until you are drunk? LOUISE I'm saying it loosens you up and makes you more relaxed. KERRY It always works for me. LUG And for me. LOUISE (happily) What are you doing here? LUG I'm here to get you. LOUISE Again. LUG I had to sort some stuff out but I'm back and I want to sort it out. LOUISE You just can't come back in to my life and think everything will be alright. LUG I want to sort it out. LOUISE Have you ever thought I don't want you back this time. LUG Can we go and talk? LOUISE Not in this life time. LUG A few minutes? LOUISE No. LUG Please. LOUISE A few minutes. LUG All I need LOUISE OK then lets go and talk. I'll see you all at Jim's in while. Louise and Lug walk off INT-JIM'S LIVING ROOM DARWIN What I'm telling you is you need sex Jim. JIM And what is that suppose to mean? RYAN It means if you don't have sex soon your virginity will grow back. JIM Look I haven't had sex not because I haven't any offers but because its not right to have sex with out love. DARWIN That is poor. JIM It's the truth, plus sex it's self is very boring. RYAN Look man if you think it's boring then you are doing it wrong. JIM I have never had any complaints. RYAN Two women and one of those Kerry it's not surprising. DARWIN If you find it boring you have to be doing it oddly, I have never found it boring. JIM Think about it. What you are doing and why you are doing it. You start off and the start is alright the blood pumps and you are on, then you start the act the back and forth, the up and down, the in and out. And depending on how long you last it goes on for 5 to 45 minutes. RYAN When in the fuck did you last 45 minutes? DARWIN I always give them a good 45 minutes. JIM So, Darwin is on for 45 minutes doing the same thing knowing he can't talk. RYAN You can. JIM You can but can't have a conversation about the football or what's on the TV. RYAN Well you're supposed to be in to the sex. JIM But it's the same thing repeatedly over and over again, it's like watching the same part of a film over and over again. If you do it for a short time it's good, it's a thrill, it's a turn on, it's enjoyment. RYAN You're still not getting it. DARWIN I think that might be his problem. RYAN Look Jim you are sharing with this girl your love meat. JIM But all I'm building up to after not being able to change the channel is a few seconds of pure excitement. And then the feelings gone. DARWIN What about her? JIM What about her? DARWIN Don't you think you are doing this for her as well? JIM You are telling me you are there for her and not yourself. DARWIN Not always. JIM If she wants to be pleasured, I can do that while I'm watching the football and if I want to be pleasured she can do that why I'm watching the football. What I'm trying to say is if it's about being turn on there are better ways to do it than sex. RYAN You are saying sex should only be used to reproduce. JIM It should be used as the biggest show of love. So when you do it it's special and not so boring it becomes more than the act its self it becomes the ultimate show of your love. Take Roach he is going to take Kerry upstairs take down her pants stick his dick in it and that will be it. DARWIN I think you need to have sex, it's been to long you need reminding what it's about. JIM If Louise comes round and offers it to me. DARWIN The only person she is giving today is lug you asked him to come round. ROACH What do I do? RYAN What do you mean? ROACH When I take her upstairs, take her pants down, and get my dick out, what then. RYAN You put it in. ROACH And then? DARWIN Do you need a manual? ROACH Something like that would help. JIM None of us had a manual. DARWIN How did we know what to do? RYAN I don't know. JIM Sex education. RYAN Watching two cartoon people doing it isn't really education. JIM It shows you what to do. ROACH That's what I need to know. JIM It's not that hard. ROACH I don't get it. RYAN I can't even be bother to make a joke. JIM What I mean is for you to stick your piece in her is simple but you have to get it right for the woman you are with. DARWIN That's why you do not like sex cause you can't be bother do deal with her. JIM I can. Am I the only man on the planet that finds it boring? DARWIN Yes. RYAN Do you think you're of the gay? JIM Just cause I think sex is boring does not make me of the gay. DARWIN But you told me you do like your ass being played with. JIM And so would you if you'd let yourself. DARWIN Look I'm not having anyone playing with my ass. ROACH Jim, You are the first person I have ever met who said it was boring. JIM Just wait until you've had it then come back to me. ROACH Should I bone up on what to do? RYAN You'll bone up when she cums. DARWIN That is one fucking lame joke you are the lame joke tell her. ROACH When is she arriving? RYAN I don't know a couple of hours, a couple of minutes you know women. I forgot you don't know women. ROACH What am I going to do until she comes. JIM Look at this porn mag and beat off. DARWIN Shall I put on a film? JIM Take your pick. RYAN Make it good. EXT-ROAD. Lug is sitting with Louise on the side of road on a bench. LOUISE Good on then explain it. Why this time? LUG What do you mean why? LOUISE Why you want to sort it out. LUG Cause I love LOUISE And that is it you love me. LUG I do LOUISE Why should I believe you this time? LUG Cause it's all I have. LOUISE Well that isn't much good. LUG I can't say anymore. I love you. You complete my life. You make me hole. You are my one. LOUISE I don't thing so. LUG Maybe you are not my one for all time but you are my one for now for this time. LOUISE And when this time is over? LUG We go different ways. LOUISE Why not just go different ways now. Why risk hurting both of us? LUG For the time and the happiness we can have now. LOUISE You say you love me but we won't but together for ever. LUG I can't tell you that stuff changes over time but while we are together we can be happy. LOUISE OK then. LUG Lets go to Jim's LOUISE I don't think he'll want you there LUG Well that is where you are wrong cause he asked me to come round. LOUISE OK then lets go. You know Jim is a really good friend LUG Nothing more LOUISE This is Jim we are talking about INT-JIM'S KITCHEN ROACH This is it. JIM This is what? ROACH The end of me. JIM What do you mean? ROACH This is the end of my life, as I know it. JIM But it's over for you in a good way. ROACH Only if I'm unhappy with what I have. JIM Are you happy? ROACH This morning I couldn't have been happier. Now I'm told there is a fair chance I'm going to have sex. Which is suppose to make me even happier but it has made me more scared than I ever thought I could be. JIM It'll be better when it's over. ROACH How do you know? JIM I don't but you can't do anything about it now you just have to wait. ROACH I don't have to go through with it. I could just leave. JIM The worst that can happen is it's shit nothing comes of it. It's over in a few minutes but at least you have done it. ROACH I never just wanted to do it. I always wanted it to be the best thing ever. JIM It's never going to be perfect, you won't find anyone like that for your first time. ROACH I could wait it's not just about the sex I want someone to love. I want to be with someone. JIM Keep looking but take this now while you can. ROACH I should sell my soul so I can have sex. JIM I'd say that's about it. ROACH I'm not sure if I can do it. JIM Like I said a few hours and we will find out. ROACH I suppose at least it'll be over one way or another. I can't get the feeling out of me that it's wrong. JIM It's called nerves. ROACH It's not it's the feeling of not loving her. I don't get that feeling you get when you look at Louise. JIM The feeling in the bottom of my stomach. ROACH You feel it's right. I like Kerry but I don't get that feeling, to have sex with her without that feeling it is not right. JIM And you'll find that one person but you have to take your chance to see if she is the right one. She might not be but you could miss out if she is. ROACH You might be right. JIM Take Louise I let her go before. It has destroyed me for years and if I'd just tried then when I had the chance I would have done her, I would have moved on. I might still be with her I might not but at least I'd know and it wouldn't break me up every day of my life. ROACH You are so messed up. JIM I would do anything for love. ROACH I'm just going to let it happen you never know it might turn out that she is the one for me. JIM I don't think so it's Kerry we are talking about. ROACH Isn't she still going out with Rob. JIM I wouldn't have a fucking clue. If she's not fucking one of us she goes back on to him. ROACH Do you think he'll be pissed if I screw her? JIM He's nothing we can't handle. ROACH Raise a glass to what might happen. JIM Lets hope it's all go. ROACH I don't think I could ever me as scared as I am right now. JIM You thing you are scared now just wait until your naked. The door bell goes and the girls walk in. ROACH She is here I thought you it would be a few hours. JIM Just go for it. Jim walks out of the room and Kerry walks in ROACH Hello. KERRY Hello. ROACH You doing OK? KERRY Yes. ROACH What have you been doing? KERRY You know stuff and… Long silence just a little longer than is comfortable. ROACH What are you doing later? KERRY Don't know. ROACH You can stop here we have lots of beer. KERRY Might do. ROACH Do you want a beer? KERRY Yes. ROACH Here you go. Done anything fun lately? KERRY Not much. ROACH You don't seem to happy. KERRY I am. ROACH You just seem to be a little quiet. KERRY I'm shy. ROACH Not what I've heard. KERRY Why what have you heard? ROACH Now you are interested. KERRY What have you heard? ROACH I'm not sure I should tell you. KERRY OK. ROACH Is that all you are going to say OK KERRY Yes. Silence Ryan walks in RYAN What's happen someone die? Kerry walks out RYAN(CONT'D) Looks like you were striking out. ROACH It wasn't me it was her. RYAN It was like a morgue in here. ROACH What in the hell can I do. RYAN You need to release some of the sexual tension. ROACH What I should whack one off? RYAN With her in the room that will do it. Ryan sits down. Darwin walks in RYAN (CONT'D) Get me a beer why you're up DARWIN You are so fucking lazy RYAN It's call being smart you see I'm not moving and you are. ROACH You coming to watch the TV. DARWIN We have hot girls in the house and you want to watch TV, no wonder you've never been laid. ROACH I find it revealing. RYAN I find something else revealing. INT-JIM'S DOOR Jim is standing outside having a fag. Louise and Lug walk up to the door LOUISE Hi. JIM I see you found him. LOUISE We are going to see what happens JIM You know where the bedroom is feel free. LUG I'm not just after that. JIM You might not be but I'm sure she is. LOUISE I'll meet you in there I need to talk to Jim. LUG Don't be long I'll go get warmed up. Lug walks into the house. JIM Get warmed up what a class man you've got. LOUISE I don't know what your problem is. JIM You know full well what my problem is you don't want to admit it. LOUISE I don't you tell me why you can stand to see me happy. JIM I only ever want you to be happy but he'll never make you feel like that. LOUISE He does you. You can't stand that it's not you. JIM Do you think if that was true I'd be letting you fuck him in my house. LOUISE You get something from it, I bet you film it. JIM Why don't you just go and fuck him before it gets to warm and he doesn't need you any more. LOUISE I can't talk to you. Louise walks in to the house. INT-JIM'S LIVING ROOM DARWIN What's on the TV RYAN I'm trying to find some thing. I think if you flick all day you will find one you want to watch. DARWIN Do what I do make your own programs by just flicking. ROACH What you want to try, if you are board is not watch any ad breaks DARWIN You have to watch one RYAN Why? DARWIN Or how would you know what to buy. RYAN You are telling me you plan purchases on what you see on the TV DARWIN Everyone does I just admit it RYAN You don't just go to the shop and buy stuff that you think is good DARWIN Of course, I do but I need to know what I have a choice of. RYAN And you find that out by going to the shop and looking. DARWIN No you find it out by watching the TV. ROACH You could look it up on the Internet and get it cheap DARWIN I could spend my life on the Internet but I have a life, unlike most of the net nerds. ROACH Don't you think that is a bit of a generalization to say everyone who uses the net to stay up to date is a net-nerd DARWIN You are by the fact you are keeping up to date you have to spend all your time reading. Now, reading has been proven time and time again to be the biggest nerdy shit you can do. ROACH Don't you ever read? DARWIN Not unless I have to. Jim walks in JIM What don't you do unless you have to? RYAN Wash by the smell of him. DARWIN Read. JIM I read for fun. DARWIN You see nerd city. JIM Why cause I reed. DARWIN The nerdiest thing you can do in the world is reed for fun. JIM Quite right I'm a big nerd and proud of it. RYAN This isn't 1984. DARWIN If it were, we'd only be one year old JIM Don't you find it odd we miss so much of one of the greatest decades cause we were so young. RYAN It only seems like it was good cause we didn't have to live in it. JIM What was wrong with it? One of the best times in music ever, some of the best artists, the greed is good culture that made making money and putting yourself first the only thing that mattered. DARWIN And that is better putting your self first? JIM If I'd put myself first before I wouldn't be in this mess. But I didn't I put everyone before me and I'm still paying for the mistake. If it were the 80's, I'd be happy. DARWIN You can't say you'd be happy you don't know what would have happened. JIM But it wouldn't be this bad. ROACH Aren't you happy with your life. JIM I am happy but my life still sucks. DARWIN Your life can't suck that bad cause you made one bad choice. RYAN Maybe if this was the 80's you could get in to the time machine and go back in time and change the past. ROACH But that would destroy the time line and... RYAN OK point of order this is why you haven't had sex. ROACH What? RYAN Straw poll. DARWIN You know that is how they work out the TV ratings they ask like 10 people then just times it by the population. ROACH They don't, what they do is. RYAN Whatever. Look Darwin, have you had sex? DARWIN Yes. RYAN Jim you? JIM Yes. RYAN And I've had sex, now which one of us had thought about the space-time continuum JIM Me. DARWIN Me for a short while one day. RYAN You are missing the point. ROACH I see yet again you are trying to say I haven't had sex because I like science. What I ask you is, Is it impossible for me to find a woman who like science. RYAN I don't know. JIM I do and you can find them but if you are looking for sex then you have to make your self-different. You are not trying to spend the rest of your life with this person you are trying to get them in to bed. So you should pretend that you are interested in whatever is cool at the time. ROACH You aren't doing that. JIM I've had sex and the fact is I got board of not being myself. I like me and what I found was the effort required for me to be cool wasn't worth the response I was getting. DARWIN Talking shit. RYAN Shit talking is not allowed. Money in the beer box. JIM But. RYAN But nothing you are the one who came up with the idea. JIM It wasn't shit RYAN It is and it's all cause you got pissed off going out with Kerry, true? JIM True I was pissed off going out with Kerry but. RYAN No but's I'm the one asking questions. JIM Kerry's not the only reason. RYAN Do you love Louise? JIM Yes. RYAN You got pissed off with Kerry because she is the hoar of Babylon and you are in love with Louise and having been for like ever JIM Kerry is a hoar, don't let me put you off Roach, but be careful she might look nice on the outside but she is mad on the inside. As for Louise, I think I might have found someone. RYAN This is why you are talking shit cause if you love her that much then ask her out and if she says no then move on. JIM I've loved her for a long time a little longer won't matter. ROACH What if I'm too fast for kerry? DARWIN You are becoming annoying. RYAN What do you mean too fast? ROACH What if I don't last long enough RYAN Still not getting it, how can you not last long enough? ROACH If I don't last long enough for her. RYAN You are worried about her, how sweet. ROACH You sound surprised? RYAN You can't be too fast if you are the one who's having the sex. ROACH I thought that we both had the sex RYAN Very rarely most of the time it's one of you who wants it and the other wants to just lye there, given that more than not it's the men who want it. ROACH So, what you are saying is if I want sex then it doesn't matter how fast it is. RYAN Better if you are the one who wants it to be fast then she can't get board and start thinking about getting someone else. ROACH In the middle of me doing her she can be thinking about replacing me. RYAN I've been told it is the time most women think about getting a new boyfriend. ROACH I wonder what the girls are saying about us at the moment? JIM We can find out if you want. RYAN Is that wise after what happened last time. JIM You mean the fact we got hot lesbian action, we'd be lucky to find that again. RYAN Was it worth destroying two people's lives? JIM It wasn't my fault that they couldn't handle the pressure. I tried to make it all right, the speech I made you'd think would have convinced the world they should be with each other. RYAN It did so much that Marie had to move away JIM You can't hold me responsible for the parents over reacting and not excepting what their daughter was. ROACH Just put them on. DARWIN We are going to hear what they are saying? ROACH Not just hear but see we have the technology. JIM Sit back and watch Jim Switches over on the TV. There is a picture of Jim's bedroom with know one in it. RYAN And know on is there, this is good. The girls walk in to the room, Jim leaps across the room to turn the TV off. LOUISE We are going out for a bit. Can think of something interesting to do. JIM What's interesting? LOUISE Anything but what you are doing? JIM What's wrong with sitting here drinking and talking? LOUISE What's right with it, you're talking shit doing nothing. JIM We are filling time until life throws us off track and we have to deal. LOUISE Don't you ever believe you should make stuff happen? JIM Sounds like effort to me. LOUISE I forgot the golden rule if you need to put effort in it's not worth doing. JIM Effort is required sometimes but not if it can be helped. Where is lug? LOUISE He is sleeping it off. JIM And you are just going out for supplies LOUISE Something like that. Louise and the girls leave JIM She is so amazing I don't think their is anyone quite like her in the world. RYAN Then why don't you tell her this? JIM Cause I know what she will say. RYAN How do you know what she'll say. JIM I know her I know what she is like and I know how she feels. RYAN Look man if you don't tell her then she'll stop with him. JIM Can you believe he's up there and they have just had sex? I Think some one gets up in a morning and thinks how can we wreck my life today. DARWIN Please go tell her, if she says she don't want you then let her go. JIM But what if? DARWIN No more what if's just do it, some times you have to say what the fuck, please do it before you drives all mad. JIM But. DARWIN Do it and move on with your life. RYAN And if it don't work out you can always go for Kerry after She's eaten Roach. ROACH I thought she was shy. DARWIN She is until you get her in to bed. RYAN I never got that far but Roach if you get the chance let her give you head. ROACH Good in bed, giving me head. I can't even talk to her how am I ever going to get her in to bed. RYAN You don't have to talk to get her in to bed. ROACH Hold on a minute She's sucked Ryan's dick you've slept with her Darwin, and Jim you have done? JIM I'm not telling you what we have done but let's just say she isn't shy all the time. DARWIN You don't want to get hooked up on the fact she is shy. She's always like that it when she likes some one. ROACH When I think of a person liking me they come and tell you. RYAN What shit do you know about women liking you, as if it's happened before. ROACH It's happened. DARWIN About the same time hell froze over. ROACH What I really need is advice. DARWIN You are so fucking lame every one else just does it and doesn't make a big deal about it. It's sex not rocket science. RYAN Don't listen to him What advice do you need now my child? ROACH What to do about her. You tell me she is sex mad but she won't talk to me. RYAN She's comes out of herself if you talk to her you have to make the first move after that it will be easy. ROACH I might turn her down anyway. RYAN What do you mean as if you are ever going to turn a girl down. ROACH I've turn some of them down. DARWIN Who? ROACH Nicky. RYAN You'd never turn Nicky down. ROACH She looks like a man. RYAN One very fucking attractive man. DARWIN You think men can be attractive, gaylord. RYAN Money in the box. DARWIN I'm not putting money in the box for insulting you. RYAN I can think of know better reason. DARWIN Eat my shit and go back to thinking about your man looking woman. RYAN She is hot a little butch but hot, very fit, she'd go all night. DARWIN From what I've heard 45 seconds does you. RYAN I was tired. JIM Money in the box. RYAN For telling the truth. JIM We are all tired at some point but not every time. RYAN Suck my dick you virginity as grown back. JIM Not this shit again. It can't grow back. RYAN If you have forgotten what it's like then it has grown back. JIM It can't grow back. The first time for a man is different to a girl its not as if we have a hymen to break. DARWIN Money in the box. JIM We don't. DARWIN But you have to use the pipes for the first time. JIM You name me one man who hasn't pulled it by the time they have had sex. ROACH So, can't you say the same about girls? DARWIN If you were to get your hole fist in. ROACH I just can't be myself around her. RYAN What do you mean? ROACH Whenever I'm around her, I loose my ability to speak. RYAN It's sounds like love. ROACH It's not when I'm in love I usually can't stop talking. JIM This means one of two things. One is it's the most true love ever or you don't like her at all. ROACH I would say its cause she doesn't give me any feedback. You know most girls even if they don't like you they tell you to fuck off but without a word you can't say much. DARWIN I had the same problem. With this one girl, she doesn't say a word to me. I only found out she'd liked me cause her friends told me so I asked her out she said yes. ROACH And did it work out. DARWIN We when on a couple of dates they all sucked ass. ROACH Why? DARWIN Why do you think cause in the two dates we said a total of 443 words to each other in terms of words I've talk more to my cat. ROACH You are saying to me if I can't get her talking then there is little point us going out. DARWIN Little point you going out but if you are looking for sex then talking doesn't matter. A little more action and less conversation. ROACH Don't you talk during sex then? RYAN Why would you? JIM I like talking during. RYAN You don't have sex and it's probably because you talk during. JIM What is wrong about talking? DARWIN What is it you are talking about? Are you having a chat about what you did during the day or what you are doing cause a little instruction about what you are doing isn't a bad idea. JIM I'm not talking about algebra or something like that. I'm just talking about fun stuff, you know what it's like. RYAN Can't say I do. DARWIN Me ether. RYAN If I'm doing it I don't want to talk to her. DARWIN I don't even know their names. JIM Maybe that's a place to start, ask her name. DARWIN I've got her in to bed I don't need to talk to her. I can just go at it without worrying what her name is. JIM Don't you mind about her? DARWIN Not until I've finished then all I'm worried about getting out of there without having to speak to her. JIM You are a wanker. DARWIN You are the biggest wanker. JIM And your point is? ROACH Are you admitting to being a wanker? JIM You are telling me you haven't sat there beating off to the thought of Kerry naked. ROACH I… JIM You have no answer. DARWIN Do you sit there beating off to thought of Kerry doing a pole dance for you. RYAN Maybe rubbing up and down his pole. DARWIN You have thought about a Kerry stripping in front of you taking her top off, then her skirt. ROACH After that she slowly moves towards me taking of her bra and revealing her breasts. Then dancing around me draping herself over me, then she... RYAN I think that's enough we don't won't to see you come. ROACH What? RYAN You've built this girl up to a person she could never be and you are happier with you fantasy of her. ROACH What if she isn't as good as I think. That is what I'm scared about. JIM You are scared that this girl isn't going to be as good as your hand. RYAN Is that why you haven't fucked anyone cause your hand is better. JIM I haven't fucked anyone cause fucking should be for love not just cause she is there. I have my hand for the day to day. Zak walks in ZAK Hello ladies. RYAN Zak I have a question. ZAK I am the Shag master ask away RYAN Do you talk during sex? ZAK During not before? RYAN During. ZAK No why would you talk? What do you have to talk about you are fucking her. RYAN (to Jim) See only strange odd people talk during. ZAK Why would you want to talk it's not as if anything needs to be said apart from the odd grunt. DARWIN Roach's going to be getting laid later on so we are trying to give him advice. ZAK And you were told to talk to her during the act? JIM I was saying I talk during sex. ZAK Know wonder you are not having any. JIM I'm not having any cause I'm saving myself for the right woman. ZAK I've just seen the right woman. She said she'd just had a good filling off lug. JIM I know he is upstairs. ZAK You mean you let her fuck him in your house. JIM What's wrong with that? ZAK You need to sort this you can't let her do this to you. JIM Do what? ZAK Treat you like this. She is fucking you about. You are there when ever she calls. JIM I'm her friend. ZAK Then acted like it. Or go back to Kerry. JIM Can't she like Roach. Anyway I'd still be with her if you hadn't taken her. ZAK All is fair in sex and war. ROACH Zak did she speak to you? ZAK Her mouth was full. ROACH I mean in general. ZAK She was very quiet but I'm not looking for a bird to chat to I have mates to talk to. I'm only looking for a woman to have sex with and suck my dick. JIM Doesn't that make you shallow? ZAK I'm not sure but I get sex and don't have to talk about women's shit. ROACH What I've learnt then is not to talk during sex and I don't need to talk before or after so the fact that she doesn't talk doesn't matter. ZAK If you are going for sex it doesn't matter if she is talking or not. RYAN All you need to say to her is come with me and the rest will follow. ROACH What about the act then how do I do it? ZAK Are you a complete idiot you've seen porn films? ROACH No. ZAK You've seen the sex Ed video's at school? ROACH I was ill that day. ZAK Jim put some porn on for this lad. ROACH I don't want to see porn. ZAK It sounds like you need some help. ROACH Isn't there some other way? ZAK Only hiring you a lady of the night and if you are going to have sex later on then you don't need her. ROACH Why not? RYAN Cause once you've had sex you aren't going to want to do it again, for a while. ROACH Shouldn't I clean the pipes before I do it? RYAN Bad Idea. DARWIN It's not if you clean it up. RYAN I cleaned it up, it wasn't my fault they always complaint about the taste. JIM You had a wank then left it to fester. RYAN I didn't leave it to fester it's just the way it is. ZAK You have funny tasting spunk? RYAN It's my own home brew. ZAK Put the porn on. JIM What if the girls come back? ZAK We might get them to act it out for us. JIM I don't have any porn. You don't want to see some bloke going in to some woman. ROACH That is what I want I need to know what to do technically. JIM You don't need to know what to do you need to know what it looks like. You have to be everything that she has ever dreamed about. DARWIN What if she has dreamed about doing it to a hunk of a man how is he suppose to make himself look like that. ROACH Fuck you. DARWIN Not in this life time. ZAK You don't want to be so nervous about all this. It is really very easy and after you have done it like a few times then you are going to wonder what all the problem was about. Doing it with Kerry will be better cause she has a lot of experience. ROACH Are you saying she is a slapper? ZAK One she is called Kerry and two she has had more dick than you've masturbated. RYAN Not possible. DARWIN I just thought we can get the karaoke machine out we can get the girls singing. ZAK Karaoke is always fun. JIM You going to stop? ZAK I've got to go but I might be back you never know what I might be doing. EXT-STREET Kerry and Louise are walking down the road. LOUISE Do you think it's a good idea for me to be seeing lug again. KERRY I don't know. LOUISE Would you do it? KERRY If you still feel it for him then you have to do it. LOUISE I do still like him maybe ever love but I don't want him to hurt me again. KERRY He will hurt you again, they always do. LOUISE I'd like to ask Jim what I should do but I don't think I can. KERRY Why? LOUISE He has feelings for me but won't admit it. KERRY Do you have them back for him? LOUISE Jim is my friend. KERRY That doesn't mean you can't have feelings for him. LOUISE I've never looked at him in that way. KERRY You must have done a some point? LOUISE Maybe once or twice. But it's not worth it. If anything happen it would mean me loosing his friendship. KERRY Going back to lug might have the same effect LOUISE I don't understand what you mean? KERRY Have you ever thought he won't stop around forever. LOUISE I don't understand what you mean? KERRY If he wants you and can't have you then he'll giving up one day cause it hurts to much for him to watch you with other people all the time. LOUISE Do you really think he'll leave me? KERRY I surprised he hasn't already. He isn't the man I went out with. If he was he wouldn't have taken it for this long let a loan be prepared to watch it happen all over again LOUISE I don't feel that way for him. I thing he understands. KERRY He's man he won't. LOUISE Well if he doesn't then he'll have to live with out me. KERRY He will but can you live without him? Lug walks up. LOUISE I did before. KERRY Do whatever is in your heart. I'll see you back at Jim's LUG What you got do? LOUISE I've got to make a choice LUG You've made it LOUISE I haven't done anything. LUG We just had sex. LOUISE Yes we did. LUG So you mad your choice. LOUISE No i didn't I had sex. LUG That is usual I sign. LOUISE It is. LUG So lets go and have some more. LOUISE I can't I need space. LUG Why do you need space? LOUISE I just do and if you love me you'll give me it LUG You mean you need space to see if you want ass clown Jim. Well let me tell you something. LOUISE What? LUG You don't need space you need me. And if you can't see that then I don't want you. LOUISE You are not pulling this shit again making me think that it was my fault we broke up. LUG Stop all the messing about and pick now. LOUISE Get out of my life. I don't know who I want but what I do know is I don't want you. LUG I see you then. Lug works off. Louise starts to cry. INT-JIM'S LIVING ROOM Louise and the rest of the girls come in LOUISE So, did you find something interesting to do? JIM You could describe it as that. LOUISE Why what is it? RYAN It's something that is far better after a few drinks. DARWIN Its not something you want to do sober. ROACH You might regret it in the morning LOUISE Are we all going to do it? DARWIN Yes. LOUISE Do I get to keep my clothes on? DARWIN Only if you want. LOUISE Let me get this it's something we all can do I get to keep my clothes on but I might regret it in the morning. JIM Any ideas. KERRY Karaoke! ROACH Not just a pretty face. Kerry walks out ROACH(CONT'D) Why she doing that? LOUISE Just leave her she'll come round ROACH I've heard that before. VICKY Who's singing first? RYAN Me. VICKY What you going to sing? RYAN I don't know. JIM I'll just put something on. Ryan sings can't get enough of your love. VICKY My turn Vicky Sings "could have been" ROACH (to Jim) I'm going to go and see her JIM Talk to her she will talk back. Ron leaves LOUISE (to Jim) His he going to sort it out? JIM We all have to sort stuff out at some point. LOUISE When you going to sort it out? JIM When I think I have to. INT-JIM'S KITCHEN ROACH Hi KERRY Hi ROACH You alright? KERRY Ye. You? ROACH I'm OK how's your... KERRY How's my what? ROACH Your life? KERRY Good. ROACH What have you been doing? KERRY Stuff. ROACH Any think worth telling me about? KERRY I don't think so. ROACH Why is this so hard? KERRY Don't know. ROACH You do think this is hard? KERRY A little. ROACH It's more than a little hard. KERRY If you say so. ROACH Is it true do you like me? KERRY Yes. ROACH A little or a lot. KERRY You know I like you. ROACH Why haven't you ever said anything? KERRY I didn't think you'd like me. ROACH Why not? KERRY I don't know. ROACH You know I like you. KERRY I never thought you would. ROACH Why wouldn't I you are amazing, you know all this sounds better in my head. KERRY It sounds all right to me. ROACH What next? KERRY What do you mean? ROACH What do we do now? KERRY What do you want to do? ROACH I don't know I'm new to this girls don't usually fancy me. KERRY Well I do. ROACH This would be better if I didn't liked you. KERRY I'm going to go back in the other room. ROACH OK Send Ryan in will you. KERRY See you in a bit. Kerry walks out Ryan walks in ROACH She doesn't seem very responsive. RYAN Why what did you say? ROACH I haven't really talked to her you know we have only said hello and now we have to have sex. RYAN You don't have to talk to have sex, we have just been though this. ROACH Correct but sex would be good but I'd just like a conversation. RYAN You are so fucking sad. ROACH I am a little. What I'm looking for in Kerry is a connection. RYAN You are not going to find that with her. ROACH Why? RYAN She isn't that type of girl. ROACH What type of girl is she then? RYAN She is one that will make you happy for a short while. ROACH So if I go with her I'm just doing it for the sex. RYAN Which is what I've been saying all day. ROACH I suppose the sex would be good. INT-JIM'S LIVING ROOM Meatloaf "I would do anything for love but I won't do that starts to play". Louise gets up and walks out. JIM I should take that song out of my collection. I'm going after her. DARWIN Look at them two TIFFANY Do you think they are ever going to get it on? DARWIN Why do want a go with Louise if she doesn't want him? TIFFANY You know I'm not gay. DARWIN I thought you and Marie, isn't that why she had to move away? TIFFANY She moved away cause we were getting it on and her parents didn't like it but I don't have to be gay all my life. DARWIN You mean you bat for both sides TIFFANY It's called choice. DARWIN What's it like being with a woman? TIFFANY You a member of the V club? DARWIN No I lost it a long time ago but you know what I mean. TIFFANY I do all men are all the same. You have know idea what love is do you? DARWIN Of course I do but you know what I'm talking about I'm talking about how do you have sex when you can't put it in each other. TIFFANY You just sound more and more stupid, let me explain to you. DARWIN Go on I want to know. TIFFANY What I'm about to tell you will change your life. DARWIN This sounds even more interesting should I take notes? TIFFANY You might need to. When you make love, I'm talking about love not sex. Love is when you are there with the other person cause you both want it, you want to share the most importance private part of your life with this person and you are willing to let them see all your weakness in one go. DARWIN When I'm doing it, I'm not week. TIFFANY Right when you are doing it but when you are doing it you are not in love with the person you are doing it for the enjoyment of the moment but when you are making love then you let it all go. DARWIN So, when you are with a woman for sex you are just enjoying the moment. TIFFANY Right. DARWIN So how do you enjoy it are we talking like a fanny rub? TIFFANY If you want to get down to it then yes, a fanny rub would be enjoyment of the moment but when you make love, you could do the same. Do you ever watch the wrestling? DARWIN Sometimes but only for the women. TIFFANY Your secret is safe with me. But you know it's fixed. DARWIN Never? TIFFANY Well I hate to break it to you but it is. They don't rehearse it's all made up on the spot. They know what they are doing like you do when you are making love, you know what you are doing but you didn't sit down at the beginning and say this is what we will do. DARWIN Your are saying that normal sex, sex for the moment, is like a every week match but making love is like the main events on the pay for views. TIFFANY You've got it and some of the main events are amazing like making love. DARWIN So, let me get this right you're saying then it doesn't matter who you are with as long as it's good. TIFFANY Right it doesn't matter who you are with as long as you are with them for the right reason so even though I was with Marie. I was with her for the love for the main event moment, now I might be able to get it with anyone as long as we are compatible. DARWIN Are you telling me I could be gay? TIFFANY As long as it feels right for you then you might be. DARWIN Fuck is I. TIFFANY You never know when the main event is coming. EXT-JIM'S GARDEN Louise is standing outside Jim walks up LOUISE Would you? JIM Do what? LOUISE Any thing for love? JIM Yes, Would you? LOUISE I don't know. If you are doing it then you risk getting hurt. JIM You might get hurt but you might become happier than you thought possible. LOUISE But it doesn't work out like that. JIM You haven't met the right one then. LOUISE I've only ever let one person in and they hurt me. JIM Do you still love him? LOUISE You never stop loving them do you? JIM You never do. LOUISE No one else understands that like you. JIM I don't think they would. LOUISE I told him I didn't want anything more to do with him. JIM And you are wondering if you did the right thing? LOUISE Am I? JIM You have to do what you think is right. LOUISE What would you do? JIM I would go for it if it felt right you have to chase the rainbow. LOUISE You coming back in. JIM I'm going to think here for a minute (sits down on the floor) Louise walks off INT-JIM'S KITCHEN LOUISE Hi Roach what are you doing in here? ROACH Trying to avoid Kerry. LOUISE I thought you liked her, you know she likes you. ROACH I heard it but I don't believe it. LOUISE Why not? ROACH Would you? LOUISE If Kerry told me she liked me then know I wouldn't but I'm a girl. ROACH You know what I mean she is a beautiful attractive young woman, why in the fuck would she like me? LOUISE I have never tried to work out why you like someone it always just happens. ROACH When I see someone I know straight away if I want them. LOUISE And did you feel like that when you saw Kerry? ROACH You can't tell anyone this but (Pause) |